The Life and Times of Ren... and then some

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

2010-06-28T16:34:00.003-04:00

So hai guys, remember when I used to blawgh, n'shit?

Yeah, me neither.

But seriously though, my life has been kinda nuts. Lots of fantastic'ness. Lots of horrible, horrible, fuckupidness.

But that said! People are still reading this shit, which I think is fantastic! (Hoooolla!)

I promise I'll try and think up some more hilarity for this abyss and keep ya'll entertained.

Also, did ya'll know I'm a Twit?

You can follow me @renmarshall on the Twittersphere.

Lots of luuuurve!

BDTS - "S.E.X." by Nickelback.

2010-02-10T11:46:00.012-05:00

It's time once again for BREAK DOWN THAT SONG!!

And though it pains me to no end to have to listen to this, Nickelback is just full of little gems like this one.

You might remember a break down of one "Something in your mouth" off the same 2008 release from the band. And if you thought that was the only disgusting single off the album, well, you were wrong.

I present "S.E.X" by the boys, which not only offers a colourful look at date rape, but also indicative that millionaire and narcissist Chad Kroeger might as well be differently-abled as his reading level rivals that of a six year old.

Shall we then?

"S.E.X."

Apparently Chat Kroeger is still at the learning stage where he spells everything out. G.R.O.S.S.

"No" is a dirty word,
Never gonna say it first,
"No" is just a thought that never crosses my mind.

Uh, Chad? "No" means "No", you motherfucker.

Maybe in the parking lot,
Better bring your friend along,
Better off together than just one at a time.

Yeah ladies, you better bring your friend along. You know, your friends: "whistle" and "mase"? Oh, and your friends over at the self-defence class too.

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.

...seriously?

N is for 'never going to happen'
O is for 'offender of a sexual nature'

(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah!

Girl: "Ok, let me get this straight: You want sex?"
Chad: "YESH!"
Girl: "Gross! N--"
Chad: "YES!"
Girl: "Wait, n--"
Chat: "YES!"
Girl: "Could you please stop interrupting me, I don't want --"
Chat: "YAAAARSH!"

I'm loving what you wanna wear,
I wonder what's up under there?
Wonder if I'll ever have it under my tongue?

You're never going to get SHIT under your tongue if you keep watching girls decide what to wear, Chad. That Peeping Tom shit died out with John Belushi, now get down from that tree and go meet your parole officer.

I'd love to try to set you free,
All of you all over me.
Love hearin' the sound you make the second you're done.

You know what, Chad? I -hope- you can help set some woman free. In fact, I hope you unleash that fire within her. I hope you give a woman a chance to unleash that entire can of whoop-ass that's just dying to deliver a swift round-house kick to that fugly monkey face of yours, you disgusting sonofabitch. Oh, at that sound you'll be hearing, it'll likely be the sound of her spit hitting the side of your disgusting face.

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.

I think what -most- women want is not to be object of your sick, twisted rape fantasies, Chad.

(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes).
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah! (YES)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.

Rep. Chorus

Huh, you can keep your nickel, you sick sonofabitch.

Bilingual Blunder

2010-02-10T09:38:00.008-05:00

Okay, right off the bat - Approx. 17% of Canada's population is children/youth under the age of 15. A survey conducted in 2003 by the Canadian Teachers’ Federation says watching TV is a daily pastime for 75 percent of Canadian children, both boys and girls from Grade 3 to Grade 10.(...) Thus, the average child in Canada spends on average 42 hours a week in front of the television or computer.(...)

That is a huge demographic. A huge demographic of children being subjected to not only the tripe that's on the tube, but gallons and gallons of information that's being processed through their developing brains on a daily basis.

Television stations make millions off colourful, musical shows that get kids hooked. And if they promise a jump on a learning curve, parents will eat that shit up with a spoon. Anything to make their kids smarter and give them that 'edge' and parents forget that they're propagating the problem of hours in front of the boob tube.

That said, science has taught us that children's brains are like little sponges and that they suck up all the information they can get their hands on. Languages, specifically, seem to be the hot topic on parent's minds. While most children are raised in unilingual homes, many parents encourage bilingualism and trilingualism, and go to the only free source they have to impart this wisdom onto their children: The Television.

With shows like Dora the Explorer and Ni Hao Kai Lan, children are getting their noses rubbed in some other languages the world has to offer. But what about the languages they need?

Canada has two official languages: English and French*. Being Canadian and living in the political center of our great nation, I know the importance of having these two languages. And despite the fact that I speak both languages in my home to my children, I also fall back on television for that extra edge. What I've noticed, however, much to my dismay, is that there really is very little programming available to transition my child into both official languages.

Sure Spanish and Chinese are great languages to know and no doubt can come in very useful later in life, but my child won't get very far on knowing just his colours and numbers and the odd greeting or animal. And I understand that it's really to encourage an interest in other languages and cultures, and shouldn't be used as a teaching tool, but common'! Where's all the French?

To be fair, shows like Sesame Park on CBC Mornings and the odd French word gets spewed by hosts on other Public Television stations like TVO, but the problem with this method is that they're either on when my child is at school getting his education, or just part of the shtick the host is playing off of.

Where's the entertainment value? Where's the hook? Why are there no shows teaching my kid the basics he needs in a country where we officially accept and EXPECT this language to be present and often times more proficient than the globally dominated English?

Canada takes great pride in it's broadcasting system, and so we should! I can attest to the fact that most of our Canadian-bred children's programming is multi-cultural - Hell, we can even boast of having Native and Innuit programming FOR KIDS!. And while there are many French-Only telivision stations, the problem therein lies in their French-Only programming.

There is an estimated 7 millions French speaking persons in our country and an estimated 17.4% speak both official languauges. Thus, it needs to be said that THAT'S a huge demographic that we need to tap.

NB: Official bilingualism is the term used in Canada to collectively describe the policies, constitutional provisions, and laws which give English and French a special legal status over other languages in Canada’s courts, parliament and administration.(...)

Animals and the people who love them.

2009-12-14T15:23:00.010-05:00

The Yuletide season is upon us. For the better prepared portion of our community, you've finished your x-mas shopping. For the bulk of my readers, you probably haven't even begun.

For most people, x-mas shopping involves wracking your brain for -the- gift that will compliment your loved ones. For others, a last minute dash to the dollar store will suffice. Then there are the people that shop for their pets. These are not only the people that buy for their pets, but also give from their pets as well.

From: Mittenz

Major corporations make millions off of these ~~chumps~~ pet owners by milking them for everything their worth. From holiday themed pet toys, to pictures for your best friends with Santa Claws (heh heh)

Today I received an e-flyer from PetSmart about some handy-dandy last minute gift ideas for my pets. I am the disgruntled owner of two disgusting cats. Regardless of the fact that they are ungrateful bastards, I wouldn't buy them presents strictly on the principle that they don't have thumbs, not to mention the fact that they'd probably just throw up on whatever I got them anyways, and still turn down my advances.

I don't need you.

So, if anything, today PetSmart was reminding me that I should own a dog instead of my familiars. Their flyer featured some fancy squeaky toys, some dog sweaters, an array of pet friendly collectibles. That's when I noticed something a little strange...

10% off all snakes. Surely you're not buying snakes for your loved one's this late in the game. And on sale? Apparently 2009 had an influx of snakes that they can't seem to get rid of. Frankly, I think stocking up on sale snakes to feed your even bigger snake makes more sense. Or, snake Olympics, perhaps? Did you know snakes make excellent nannies?

All joking aside though, I think what's important to remember here is that you can't put a price tag on a living creature. Sure, we do it, but it's not right. Presenting pets with gifts is a sacrificial rite that died out with the Ancient Egyptians when they stopped being revered as Gods. Consequently, it's also important that most animals can be found in the wild, for free. Food for thought.

Bat Out of Hell Pt.III: Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!!

2009-10-28T13:39:00.004-04:00

So finally we come to our conclusion in the 3 part epic that is Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell. If you know anything about Meatloaf, you know that he is an Adonis; a perfect specimen of manliness. Not only that, he's a gentleman and a scholar. What most people don't realise is that 'Bat Out of Hell' is really just a metaphor for his love of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. What's important to remember here is not the crude, epic badassery that he exudes during his rock operas, nasty licks, or his gluttony, but rather his constant goal of improving the lives of women everywhere by bestowing unto them the true meaning of Christmas - a tiny loaf of their own.

Like Johnny Appleseed, Meatloaf roams the post-apocalyptic country side, seeking out the doomed and unfortunate women of deserted Thunderdome Capital. His svelte physique and rugged handsomeness render him most irresistible and it is then, after his presence is known to the women of the gutter, that he makes his move on those most deserving of his love, and his engine's hunger. After he strikes, he feasts on the disgusting refuse that is their lives, ridding them of the certain doom that is their impoverished sorrow, leaving in his wake a sunrise, and a new lease on life.

Hero.

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, without any further delay, I share with you the conclusion to our three part epic BDTS, the final chapter:

Bat Out of Hell Pt. 3: Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!!

I can see myself tearing up the road
Faster than any other boy has ever gone
And my skin is raw but my soul is ripe
And no one's gonna stop me now
I gotta make my escape
But I can't stop thinking of you
And I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late
And I never see the sudden curve till it's way too late

Weeeeeelll fuck! Be careful what you wish for!! Man, as if he just nicked the curb like that! Guh, pay attention man!! Oh, and of course this was probably before helmets... Because hay! If you can survive the apocalypse, why even bother with protective head gear. Man! Now he's never going to see his little meatloaf muffin! Oh the injustice!!! He was probably just on his way to end things with his other family, and then WHAM! Out of nowhere, a curb. Cruel fate, or what?

Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning' bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Oh breaking out of my body
And flying away
Like a bat out of hell
Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Still beating
Oh breaking out of my body and flying away
Like a bat out of hell (rep.)

......WOAH!!!!!! TALK ABOUT BAD ASS!! THAT WAS THE MOST METAL DEATH OF ALL TIME!!!! Meatloaf doesn't take death like a pussy! The guy fucking OWNS death! He's like "If I'm going down, I'm taking BAD MOTHERFUCKING ADJECTIVES WITH ME, YOU COCKSUCKER!!" And then he PUNCHES Death in his big stupid FACE!

Ohhh Shit!

Oh, oh man that was tight. The last thing he saw was his heart STILL BEATING - which means his chest BLEW OPEN during the crash, and he was able to see that thing still pumping blood through his body!! So, most epic death ever, or the guy is having an out of body experience in the operating room of his triple bypass. Either way, nobody, in the history of music, has written a death rattle like this. This last verse makes up for the entire rest of the song. The chauvinism, the misogyny, the over eating and drug abuse. -THIS- folks is la crème de la crème!

BDTS - Bat Out of Hell pt. II - Meatloaf goes James Dean on a Lost Highway

2009-10-28T11:14:00.005-04:00

Okay, so what we learnt in Pt.I of Bat Out of Hell, is that Meatloaf, in another valiant effort to secure some booty, is planning a dine and dash as soon as Princess passes out from the sheer AWESOME that is Meatloaf's lovemaking. That said, he's also currently living in what can only be described as the Thunderdome, and is hitting the trail in search of greener pastures.

In part II of Bat Out of Hell, we will be examining his journey to this Utopia he is so desperate to reach.

You better be asleep at the crack of dawn, because he's outta here...

Bat Out of Hell - Pt.II Meatloaf goes 'James Dean' on a Lost Highway

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we're all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothings ever worth the cost

Is it just me, or does this entire verse feel like a euphemism? With the exception of the 'rotting old hole' comment, this entire part is kind of romantic, and sexy!

His engine is hungry...ladies
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out
And maybe I'm damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I'd rather be damned with you
Well, If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you

Okay, just wait a goshdarnedsecond! Meatloaf!! WTF, MAN!? Okay, first you're telling this poor girl you're going to love her and leave her right smack dab in the fucking THUNDERDOME, and now, what? You can't live without her? Pfft, RED FLAG, LADIES!! Put a nickle between your knees and scurry! MEATLOAF IS ON THE PROWL!!!

Oh Baby, you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There's always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it's over you know
We'll both be so alone

Pfft, what an asshole. He wants virgins. This is what this whole thing is about. He wants to taint the poor girl. 'Making it' for one night isn't worth it, girl!! WRAP IT BEFORE YOU TAP IT!!! Last thing you need is a chubby, sweaty baby growin' up on the set of The fucking WARRIORS, denying rabies shots to children in the gutter, just like his daddy!

Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight's shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I'll come crawling on back to you
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I'll come crawling on back to you

Okay, wait. Is meatloaf a VAMPIRE? Maybe he's a shitty vampire - that's probably where he got his name. Man - I wish this song didn't rule soooo much. SHAME on you, Meatloaf! SHAME! You want to try freedom on for size, and what? Get some more poor virgins pregnant? N'uh-uh, Buster. I hope you DIE! I hope you fucking crash your motorcycle, and die in a gutter, foaming at the mouth like that poor kid you let suffer through lock-jaw died! You're a jerk. Go eat a cheese burger and DIE!

BDTS - Bat Out of Hell Pt.I Meatloaf and the Thunderdome

2009-10-27T15:13:00.000-04:00

So, despite my sick lusting after one Marvin Lee Aday, I can't help but pursue action against the lyrics to Bat Out of Hell. Now, before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record that Bat Out of Hell is my favourite Meatloaf song of all time, but it doesn't mean that the song itself isn't ridiculous.
Unfortunately, because the song, in all it's Epic'ness is just under 10 minutes long, I've decided to break the song down into 3 parts.

I - Meatloaf and the Thunderdome

II - Meatloaf goes James Dean on a Lost Highway

III- Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!

And without further adieu:

Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling
Way down in the valley tonight
There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye
And a blade shining oh so bright
There's evil in the air and theres thunder in the sky
And a killers on the bloodshot streets
And down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising
Oh I swear I saw a young boy
Down in the gutter
He was starting to foam in the heat

Somehow, Meatloaf is trying to Escape from L.A. or is in the Thunderdome. This is a no holds society that will cut your tongue out for looking at someone the wrong way. Consequently, this is also the type of society that will let their children, ravaged by rabies, suffer until death in a ditch. I'd like to also point out that this is the type of society where a fat cat like Meatloaf is too "good" to give some gutter-begotten child a vaccination.

Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
Theres always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When its over you know
Well both be so alone

Is it just me, or is Meatloaf trying to secure booty in like, every one of his songs? Look, Meatloaf: It's 1977. The second world war has been over for like, ever - you're not going to get some broad to give you a go-away gift of her "lady garden" just because you'll be outta there in the morning. Hell, if she has any sense at all, she'll kick you in the chode for not taking her along with you! I'm sure that hog has room enough for two, Meatloaf. Why you gotta be like that?

Like a bat out of hell
Ill be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell Ill be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell Ill be gone when the morning comes
When the day is done
And the sun goes down
And the moonlights shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
Ill come crawling on back to you

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what we call the "inner monologue". See how the male's preemptive "flight" instinct kicks into high gear just moments before mating. But of course the burlier of the males generally return after flight, tails between their legs, begging for reentry into the pack from the savvier heads of household: The Female Meatloafs.

Welcome to the Jungle

2009-10-27T12:15:00.008-04:00

This might come across as contradictory, especially in light of my article on Personal Grooming. In the article, I talked about women who 'groomed' their lady-bits in an effort to succumb to society's standards for hairless women. But I need to point out that I also stated that I am such a groomer. Of course I am! I'm not impervious to the charms and smooth-talking let downs of the media! Infact, I am -such- a groomer, that not only to I shave creative patterns into my crotchal area, I go the extra step and concur the jungle as well.

Into the thicket.

Well, what! Yeah, women don't talk about it. Do you think our assholes are -naturally- pre-pubescent? Pfft, media entrapment again! Nah, nah, nah... folks, listen up: Your asshole, it's hairy. You might not think your asshole is hairy, but I assure you, it is. Not only that, I can guarantee that if you've never shaved your asshole before, you will be left dumbstruck by exactly how hairy it is. Nothing dulls a razor like shaving your backside for the first time, and really, if you're shaving the rest, why skimp on the rump?

What people don't realise in terms of personal grooming is that it's an all or nothing endeavour. Why work the front if you're not going to bother with the back? That's where the real danger is. Sure, the front is esthetically pleasing, but the bottom is the buffer zone. "More cushion for the pushin'"?

No thank you!
I don't know when in history it was so cold that we needed fuzz to shield our buttholes from the elements, but enough is enough. Men even! LISTEN UP! Your bung hole is a cornucopia of erogenous zones. You don't know this, because no woman alive would want to stray too far into the fire swamp for fear of losing a limb in the wake of her escape. All of us, men and women alike, should just cut the crap* and shave the hair out of our asses. It's not difficult, and I can assure you that once you do, you'll have a new lease on life. The economy? Who cares? Your asshole is shaved now! World hunger? Fuck it! You are free and clear! Global warming, gas prices, war on terror - doesn't matter when you've shaved your butthole!

"Fuck you, Cancer! We shaved our assholes!"

A thumbs up is not only a sign of a clean butthole, it's a sign of freedom. Do your loved ones AND yourself a favour, and take the leap from front to back.

Can YOU give a thumbs up?

*Pun INTENDED

Good enough to eat...or stick your dick in.

2009-09-23T14:16:00.015-04:00

So earlier today I was flipping through some Avon catalogues, looking at alot of handy shit I'll probably buy and never use and while I was browsing the plethora of different merchandise I noticed some cocoa mugs featuring the M&M characters, Green, Blue, and Red. And my, if they weren't looking especially tantalising this afternoon... The full m&m lips, curled into a tiny smirk, their big full bedroom eyes, sweet candy coating, strong gloved hands...

Wait a minute... do I want to fuck these M&M's?!

Goooooddamnit, they've done it again! Marketing geniuses trying to use sex to sell something...AND IT'S WORKING!! Only now I don't want to eat these candies, I want to bone them.

Take the Green M&M for example:

Succubus
Look at her, in her emerald green coating, and her strong yet tender people arms... those bedrooms eyes just screaming for you to "Come hither." and those full, sensuous lips you just want to wrap around your...

VILE WENCH!

Bitch wants to mate with you, and then bite your head off and lay her mini m&m eggs in your neck hole! The saucy minx knows you want her and knows you'd probably push your Nana under a trolley just to get.with.that.

And it's not even like they're trying to casually integrate an air of sensuality into the candy ads - they're blatantly putting her out there for your mouth to start salivating over and your dick to start air punching for.

"Miss Green Working the Polls"

I'm not particularly bothered by this issue. Truth be told, I'd have sex with less, but the point here is that you don't even see it coming. Sexy Candy is pretty unheard of, so until it really sinks in, you're not entirely sure why these little chocolate niblets turn you on or why their seductive candy pouts fill your purity holes with shame.

This recent development in the pressures put on confections to be seductive is really just a testament to the times we live in. There was a time when candy wasn't expected to put out. Remember The California Raisins?

Trying to forget...
The creation of the California Raisins was a direct result of trying everything but dancing/singing raisins blues musicians to sell their product. The idea was such a success that is resulted in 2 California Raisins TV specials, an album, and a cartoon series. Granted, raisins aren't technically candy, but you can bet your sweet buttons they never DARED to use sex to sell raisins - probably a direct result of animated raisins looking less like sexy vixens and more like rotted old men.

Nature's ~~waste~~ candy
I don't think there's any shame with wanting to make love to an m&m. Hell, they're 2 parts human anyways! And you can't tell me like the green one doesn't know what she's doing... oh, she knows... Besides, it's not like they're Skittles or Gob Stoppers or anything... m&m candies are clearly some sort of result of chocolate fused with swimsuit model DNA. The M&M candy boasts the ability to "Melt in your mouth, and not in your hand." and I think that's a fair interpretation of what most people want to have happen with Miss Green.

I'd like to taste her rainbow...

"I am John's colon."

2009-08-13T11:33:00.009-04:00

Guhhh... okay. You know what? I can't keep my mouth shut about this any longer. I'm sorry, okay - this is probably going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him, or anyone else for that matter, but FUCK JOHN MALCOVICH!

Yeah, there, I said it. F-Malcovich!

"Say whaaaat?"
I wish I could get over this, I want to get over this, but the problem is that no matter what, I will always be rubbed the wrong way by this issue.

"Woah, slow the trolley - what issue?"

I guess I should explain.

The man, *sigh*, the man just won't do accents.

THERE! OKAY? HE'S AN ACTOR THAT DOESN'T DO ACCENTS!!!

It's not even that he's just another Hollywood knock-off being put in a period film based out of the UK, and he's failing to make his cockney stick out... it's the the man is considered an actOR. Esteemed in his field! AND HE DOESN'T PUT ON A FUCKING ACCENT FOR ANYTHING!

What a douche bag.
Okay, calm down, that's totally unfair of me. He did manage to shit out a Russian accent for Rounders as Teddy KGB, probably because he didn't want real KGB taking his children and teaching them the ways of communist Russia where accent speaks you. But alas, never bothered to ex-lax his way through In, Tranzit where he plays Pavlov, a soviet general, or something equally as political.
And although he didn't bother to put on a French accent when playing a mutha'flippin Musketeer in Man in the Iron Mask, or Dauphin in The Messenger, he did manage to find the strength to summon up his best Franco to play Pascal Sauvage: The Greedy Frenchman in Johnny English starring Rowan Atkinson... talk about priorities. Oh, and he did film the TV miniseries of Les Miserables in complete French... why? Because in real life, HE'S FUCKING FLUENT.

And I want to just say something: I get that it's difficult for thespians to force themselves to physically act their ways out of wet paper bags... so much so, that alot of times, they'll just substitute a British accent for whatever European country their character originates from. But at least they're -trying-.

"Where am I?"
The man just doesn't even try... HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT!!! Case and point: Mary Reilly
The story is about a servant of Dr. Henry Jekyll. The story of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde is set in England and the original novel was written by a Scotsman. Naturally, the characters are one or the other. Dr.Jekyll is British. Mary Reilly is Irish/Scottish but either way, has a brogue...Julia Roberts, isn't known for her accents, but by'golly she tried! She gave it all she had while definitely NOT relying on her good looks for this roll to get her through the shitacular brogue. But nooooooo! John Malcovich, actOR extraORdinaire didn't even bother with the BRITISH accent his CHARACTER has!

Can you believe she's not known for her accents?
German accent in Klimt? Fuck that noise. That Italian one where he doesn't even SPEAK EVER! And wtf was he trying to do in Beowulf ? Isn't he like, a Viking, or a Saxon in that film? Hell, even Angelina Jolie put on an accent for that film! Yeah, she sounded Transylvanian, but lets be honest, folks: the woman does NOT need to put on an accent...

Am I right, people?
And look, I don't want to hear a lick about his costars and how THEY don't have accents. 9 times out of 10, they all have some kind of bullshit accent that I'm pretty sure they just randomly pulled out of a hat, but that's not the point. The ones without accents? Yeah, they're enablers, and no better than Malcovich (I'm lookin' at you, Glen Close!). But the fact still remains, that John Don't Care None Malcovich is a phony. A Big. Fat. PHONY!!

Enabler.
*huff* I think none of this would be so hard if I didn't funkin' LOVE this man as an actor. Homo-erotic voice aside, the man's got some skillz, and I love him. Just as long as you put the man in a roll where he doesn't have to exasperate himself with the prospect of learning accents, he'll do fine. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? Fabulous. Of Mice and Men? To die for - no one goes ~~retard~~ differently abled like John Malcovich. Con Fucking Air? Self-explanatory. Hell, he was even great in Being John Malcovich.

My beef is just this: Acting is an art. Unfortunately there are alot of people who get by on things other than talent, but John Malkovich isn't one of those people! I for one, want to see him succeed. It may just be a case of him having no real affinity for accents, but he could, in theory, spend some of his millions and hire a dialect coach.
Frankly, he'd still be doing quite well without my support and admiration. But the fact is John, that trophy case ain't gonna fill itself on nominations. Maybe you could it it a favor by learning some accents and give your gag reflex a rest, m'kay?

Technicolored Pachyderms are really too much for me...

2009-08-04T13:28:00.012-04:00

Over this past weekend, my son decided to indulge in some classic Disney animation and had his Grandmother put on Disney's Dumbo, despite my protests.
It's not the easiest film for a mother to watch with her son. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, essentially Mama Elephant gets branded as 'mad' for trying to keep her baby from being humiliated by children. If you're a weeper like I am, the rest of the story doesn't matter. So what if baby defies the laws of physics by learning to fly with his gigantic ears...the point is that that Ms.Jumbo gets her baby taken away and it's heart wrenching.

Can't even handle this shit

With mama locked up, baby Jumbo "Dumbo" Jumbo Jr. (yes, that's -actually- his name) gets into all kinds of trouble with his good-for-nothing mentor Timothy Q. Mouse.

After taking him to see his caged mother, the mouse decides to cure the little elephant's hiccups with some water, which unbeknownst to him has been laced with clown champagne.

To cheer Dumbo up, Timothy takes him to visit his mother. On the way back Dumbo cries and then starts to hiccup so Timothy decides to take him for a drink of water from a bucket which, unknown to him, has accidentally had a bottle of champagne knocked into it. As a result, Dumbo and Timothy both become drunk and see hallucinations of pink elephants.(...)

Your brain on clown champagne

That's right folks: baby is drunk and hallucinating. Way to go there, ~~Jiminy~~ Timothy. This is how you get acid flashbacks. There's no way... NO WAY this elephant was hallucinating after ingesting some watered down carnival hooch. I'd like to suggest that perhaps it wasn't bubbly wine the pachyderm was drinking but rather a gallon of PCP.

Exhibit A:

And just like a bad Salvia trip, it's over. Either this circus is haunted, or maybe those clowns are just part of Operation Midnight Climax.
Elephants have been known to get sloshed - it's become such a problem that it's been a near and dear issue in the hearts of socialites everywhere. But side effects of their boozing generally range from drunk driving to death...and never hallucinations.

Perhaps the scene was put in as a tribute to prohibition; just a swift reminder of why they changed the legal drinking age from newborn to Irish back in the '30s. Or perhaps it was just as a way to segue into meeting the characters that would shape our hero into the flying elephant he is today.

Meet Jim Crow:

Be done seen 'bout everything when he seen an elephant fly...

Walt Disney was always an equal opportunist and fought for abolishing segregation amongst coloured and non-coloured persons of the United States for most of his life.

Art imitating life

Really, Dumbo is a fabulous film full of healthy morals and crisp humanism. It teaches children to reach for the stars and grab their dreams by the pony-tails and just ~~ftheshitoutofit~~ make it feel like a woman by doing everything that's absolutely necessary in reaching their goal. It teaches children that as long as mommy's not around, it's okay for ~~Aryan~~ little elephants to trust in the kindness of strangers, no matter what their ~~skin colour~~ social class. And finally, it teaches children that sometimes, you might have to do things that you find degrading and humiliating, but in the end, it will pay for mama's bail and that Clown Crystale.

"You want to be a star, don't you?"

Triple Threat, er, I mean... Sensation!!

2009-07-28T08:42:00.004-04:00

Congratulations to Triple ~~Threat~~ Sensation and long time friend Leah Cogan for winning CBC's Triple Sensation!

The shows premise was about finding Canada's next big "triple sensation" which, in the theatre world, is someone who can act, dance, and sing. All things that describe Leah.

Between my sobs of joy and my hoping around upon watching her win the competition, I was able to make out that she won the $150,000 Middlefield Scholarship to any institution of her choice. Not to mention the publicity from being on the show.

I am so pleased for Leah and undoubtedly proud - Congratulations, you've earned it!

You can watch past episodes on the Triple Sensation Website.

Also, please take a minute to check out a clip from Leah's final performance.

Woaaaaah... that's good satire!

2009-07-22T16:12:00.003-04:00

I'm not usually a 'webcomic' kind of person...and to be honest, unless there's pop culture references, I don't usually get it. But all day today I've been reading Virus Comix and I happened across this comic about our beloved Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.

I really feel that we as Canadians are blessed to have such a thoughtful, environmentally friendly, dashing PM fighting for our societal equity as well as for the best interest of our Homeland.

To read the rest of the comic, please click HERE!

The Toaster Project

2009-07-22T12:25:00.007-04:00

I found a link to this gem on Neatorama.

Art Student Thomas Thwaites from the UK has embarked on a project to build a toaster...from scratch.

This means procuring all elements for said toaster, and finding ways to put it all together.

You can watch his progress on his website, The Toaster Project. It's really fascinating, and I'm eager to see the end result!!

NOTE: Best clip is of him smelting iron ore in the microwave.

Step 2, Attempt 2: Smelting Iron Ore in a Microwave from Thomas Thwaites on Vimeo.

R.I.P.

2009-07-22T11:26:00.006-04:00

Beloved writer Frank McCourt died this past Sunday (July 19th) at the age of 78 in New York City after a battle with meningitis and having been diagnosed with melanoma. (...)

The once public school teacher won a Pulitzer Prize for his novel Angela's Ashes - a memoir based on his impoverished life in Limerick, Ireland.

For those of you who have never read Angela's Ashes I couldn't recommend the book more. Also, take a minute and watch the movie as well.

For more on McCourt's life, please check out the following links:

HERE
HERE
ANGELAS ASHES
'Tis

"The sky is the limit. You never have the same experience twice."-Frank McCourt.

Bye Bye Black Sheep...

2009-07-22T09:47:00.009-04:00

According to scientists the numbers of black sheep (wool) is dwindling. They suspect this could be due largely in part to global warming and climate change.
According to Discovery News, the number of black sheep (Soay) of St.Kilda's in Scotland have dwindled from 80% of the heard to less than 70%. Generally, sheep with one black wool gene rather than two genes tend to be better survive rs. Black sheep on the island also tend to be largers and have an easier time surviving the cold weather of the island all together. (...)

Youth of the 'emo' trend have been frantically searching for other words to ~~bastardize~~ use to describe their place in their families. Some suggestions include: burden, dead weight, freeloader, and embarrassment.

I smell...trust fund? Or chicken nuggets?

Some socio-political groups have taken it upon themselves to spread the word on the crisis in an attempt to stop global warming as well as the raise awareness about the White Man keeping the Black Sheep down.

"I believe in sheep, and that all sheep should be respected as such, regardless of their color."
-Something Malcolm X may or may not have said and some point...

Consequently, Scientists have also noted that due to climate change, grass-foods have been made readily available all year round, thus giving smaller/medium sheep a better chance at survival over the harsh winter months. (...)

So my final thought to you, reader is: Would a world, overthrown by sheep really be so bad? Thank YOU Global Warming!

George Reeves approves of Global Warming

To see what a world overthrown by sheep would look like, CLICK HERE!
To listen to what would happen if 'Black Sheep' were a rap group... CLICK HERE

I can't believe the news today

2009-07-15T14:23:00.006-04:00

I can't close my eyes and make it go away...*

Bono, the next time The Edge tells you you need to be more "edgy", maybe you should refrain from asking Billie Joe Armstrong for make-up tips, m'kay?

*NOTE: April 2009 cover of Spin Magazine.

HAPPY SHANNON TWEED DAY!!!

2009-07-15T10:03:00.009-04:00

Happy 1st Annual Unofficial Shannon Tweed Day!!!
Worth Celebrating
While attending a court hearing, Ottawa City Mayor Larry O'Brian was out and acting Mayor Doug Thompson was in. During his reign, the Mayor in Action planned to declare July 15th as Shannon Tweed Day in accordance with her visit to Ottawa with partner Gene Simmons and his band KISS. Encouraging us to party ev-er-y day since 1972

Unfortunately city councilors snubbed the idea as official holidays are reserved for long standing citizens and people who have made significant contributions to the community.

According to reports, Ms.~~Simmons~~ Tweed was not offended by the snub and took it all with a grain of salt. While Shannon is a Canadian native and did live in Ottawa for several years, she is now an American Citizen as most of her body parts are from across the border.

Acme

Despite the Day not becoming an official holiday, the citizens of Ottawa, myself included, have definitely taken it upon themselves to celebrate the day.

Happy 1st Annual Unofficial Shannon Tweed Day!!!

Bang Bang!

2009-07-10T10:27:00.007-04:00

Recently, upon visiting The Pirate Bay.Org, I decided to randomly do a search of indie bands and see what came up. One that caught my attention was a band called The Noisettes. I ~~downloaded~~ picked up the album and gave it a listen.

Pronounced NOISEttes, this trio will easily be one of the biggest bands of 2009. Already having 3 hit singles in the UK in 2009, the band is continuing to tour world wide.

The best way to describe The NOISEttes would be if Rihanna and Amy Winehouse had a baby that wasn't a crack-head alcoholic, or the victim of domestic abuse, and then that baby was injected with Karen O's stem cells and struck by lightning, and then artificially inseminated by Zeus - it would birth this band in a manger with The Supremes watching on as acting Wisemyn.

Rich, vibrant and eccentric tones, it's difficult not to listen to their 2009 album, Wild Young Hearts over and over and over.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2009-07-10T08:55:00.009-04:00

It seems Google beat me to it, so allow me to extend my congrats to one Nikola Tesla - a scientist known for his magnetic personality and electrifying wit.
haw,haw,haw...

Nikola Tesla (10 July 1856 – 7 January 1943) was a Serbian-American inventor and electrical engineer. Tesla was born in the village of Smiljan, Vojna Krajina, in the territory of today's Croatia, having been a subject of the Austrian Empire before becoming an American citizen[2]. He is frequently cited as one of the most important contributors to the birth of commercial electricity, a man who, proverbially, "shed light over the face of Earth".[3] He is best known for many revolutionary contributions in the field of electricity and magnetism in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Tesla's patents and theoretical work formed the basis of modern alternating current (AC) electric power systems, including the polyphase power distribution systems and the AC motor, with which he helped usher in the Second Industrial Revolution.(...)

Having worked with tesla coils in the past, I can easily say, from one Mad Scientist to another that Tesla is the man. The guy invented a device that not only harnesses electro magnetic energy, but also scares children everywhere. Not only that, he was played by David Bowie in The Prestige - how's that for kick-assery?

Time may change Tesla, but he can't trace time...but apparently he can travel it

Thank YOU Mr. Tesla. I'm sure wherever you are, you're continuing to shock and amazing.

“Let the future tell the truth, and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine.” - Nikola Tesla

HUMILITY: Try it on for size

2009-07-06T14:30:00.015-04:00

My father is a basin of wisdom. He once assured my brother and I, after undergoing one hell of a root canal, that his final words to us would forever be: "Floss."
He's taught me many a truth about the world, and truths about myself. One of his crucial points of fatherly savvy was bestowed upon me after discovering me with a boy and telling me afterwards that I should try and "Put a sock in it".
Those words stuck with me to this day, and I couldn't help but be reminded of my father and his philosophies on life upon reading this article:

Man beaten after teens misinterpret sex screams
By The Associated Press

TORRINGTON, Connecticut - A group of teenagers misunderstood a woman's screams during sex and, thinking they were stopping an assault, beat a 25-year-old man in her bedroom, police said. (...)

According to the report, the screams of pleasure resonating from the 34-year old Cougar in question prompted a 16 year old girl living with the presumed-MILF to the act of vigilantism when she put together a lynch-mob to help save the day.

Just here to save you from yourself.
4 out of the 5 teens responsible for the attack have since been arrested. According to police the man was treated for non-life threatening injuries after he was attacked by one teen with a baseball bat while being punched by the others. Apparently the teens were of the notion that "Act now, ask questions later" would be the best approach to resolving this issue, and neglected to give the man a chance to explain.

While the girls relationship to the woman is unclear, what remains most baffling is what kind of person in their right mind generates sounds of terror and pain that might prompt people within earshot to assume they were being attacked rather than being boned. What also remains unclear is why, upon barging in on the baby-making, the teens presumed the nudity equated to a brutal attack rather than love-making. Presumably it had something to do with her Banshee Wails, and nothing to do with the scratch marks on his back.
The look...of love.

It's at moments like these, moments of sheer and utter embarrassment that we must look into ourselves with a forced humility, remind ourselves to calmly Put a sock in it...

We're here! We're Queer! We're with... The Liberal Party?

2009-06-30T13:53:00.011-04:00

Maybe I'm just brain dead when it comes to Canadian Politics - to be honest, whichever party embraces socialism and silly-hats only, I'll likely vote for. Not only that, I've yet to find a party that embraces all of my core values.

One thing I support heartily are LGBT rights, and the rights to marriage therein. I don't see many politicians paying too much mind to the LGBT discussion - it's almost like they're thinking "Let's just give them what they want and pretend it doesn't exist." Canadians are diplomatic by nature, but prefer to pay no mind rather than speak up.

This past weekend was one of the most successful celebrations, albeit one of the biggest of it's kind in the world: The Pride Parade in Toronto, Ontario. The celebration of the year, one that has become an institution rather than just an event. About 5 years ago, I got to bare witness to the celebration - it completely blew my mind.

Being that I've yet to make it back to the celebration, I take a moment each year to check out articles, highlights and photos from the event. I love seeing all the colours, plumage, nudity, support of the community and mostly, the LOVE! This year, while trolling through the photos, I noticed something I wasn't expecting: Liberal Party Leader Michael Ignatieff out on the prowl showing his support.

This is news to me as I, like I said, am completely off the mark when it comes to Canadian Politics. I mean, I know each party say they support LGBT rights/right to civil union, but I don't know many leaders that actually get there and support the cause with their presence.

As far as I know, no other major political party leaders were present for the march. However, according to the Pride Website, there are some important people scheduled to attend the Pride Toronto's 5th Annual Awards and Gala. These appearances include:

Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty; Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath; Ontario Education Minister Kathleen Wynne; City of Toronto Councilor Kyle Rae (Toronto Centre-Rosedale); Dr. Carolyn Bennett (Member of Parliament, St. Paul's) & City of Toronto Councilor Adam Giambrone (Davenport); Sara Diamond (President, OCAD); Mathieu Chantelois (Chair, The 519). (...)

Also, for those of you aren't aware, President Barack Obama recently named June as LGBT Pride Month - which is super awesome cool.

Hard Gay thinks LGTB Pride RULES - Kawaii!!
Anyhoo...I doubt I'll ever vote Liberal in my life time - frankly, they just don't have enough pizazz for my tastes. But I want to give a big ol'kudos out to Mr. Ignatieff - if I could, I'd present you with a big gay erect golden penis award.

Presented to: Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff for dedication in the art of kicking asses and taking names.

...NO AND THEN!

2009-06-29T14:34:00.009-04:00

It's time once more for our favourite activity: BREAK DOWN THAT SONG!

Today on the docket is Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event.

From the first time I heard this song, it really just rubbed me the wrong way. It was featured on the Indie Spotlight on a local radio station here in Ottawa. The DJ opened with the fact that the band and it's album weren't getting great reviews and that every reviewer was probably a fucking moron not to like it. So, of course being impressionable as I am, I immediately decided I was going to love this song...until I heard it.

One thought rang through my mind as I listened to this song and it was "NO AND THEN!"

"...and theeeeeeeen?"

This song is another classic example of Every.Fucking.'Artiste'. that I went to highschool with and the result of them putting together a backup band and of course, shitty writing immediately means nega.points. I had high hopes for this band. I honestly tried to like this song. What's most unfortunate is that the rest of their stuff is tolerable. When they're not trying to to be mega depressing, they're quite the party band but it's almost like they're trying to be The Arcade Fire. So of course when you're trying to live up to that hyper talented sibling, you're bound to get quite a few 'E's for 'Effort'. I just think you're either naturally pathetic and thus poetic, or you're a party band. So, I'm sorry Airbourne, but you're getting broken down...

Aaaaaand here'a we go!

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

Okay - so this isn't so bad. It rhymes kinda and it sets the scene. The guy is getting drunk. Isn't it convenient that the band is playing a song that fits your mood so poetically? We also see that he's seeing a girl that I guess he dated at some point? Maybe he slept with her... either way, she's got a dress...that is all.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

Alright, so I guess that they dated or at the very least slept together at some point...that or the man's got an obsession. This man definitely digs the visualization, but what 'artiste' doesn't?

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Tonic? Wine? Are you at a Gentleman's Club? Drink a fucking BEER, Casa Nova!

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

This is the part that bugs me the most. Perhaps it's the misuse of conjunctions, perhaps with the addition of the friend's chiming in... but honestly, I think any English Teacher would tear this song apart. There's so little structure, though it's aching to make sense. Listen man - This girl is a fucking TEASE! That, or she's a prostitute... just let it go man, let it go.

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

Omg... can you all just say this with me, already? NO AND THEN!!!! This is really trying my patience...Then, but, so...you could just take these out, and I'd be happy, and your song would be almost like, 3x better than it is right now...

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Okay - so reading these lyrics, not the worst task in the world, right? You NEED to listen to the song. It's just so.fucking.repetitive. The entire thing is a bunch of run on sentences and misuse of conjunctions. Actually, I took the liberty of highlighting each misuse in red... I'm a Grammar Nazi, gofuckyerselves.
Anyways, the lyrics, not that bad - might make a nice book. I heard on the radio this morning once I heard this little diddy for the umpteenth time that the initial concept for this song was for a book, but the lead singer decided "Why not put it to music instead?" - I'll tell you why... you can put a book down, Muchacho. Turning the radio off and on to avoid this shitola of a song is really a hassle. There are rules to writing - books, poems, songs, etc. FOLLOW THE GAWDAMN RULES! Geh. Enh. Beh. Meh.

This song just makes me so angry, but I do it to myself, y'know?

For the record, The Airborne Toxic Event is a band out of Los Angeles. Fronted by Mikel Jollet (who, btw suffers from two minor disease which affect the way he looks, so automatically I'm now a bad person for not liking this band) who started the band in 2006 after decided to not write the book he was working on but rather compose an album all based on his life experiences.
Sometimes you just don't quit your day job.

There's quite a few videos for this song on youtube, but the majority are have the embedding disabled. It's almost like they made a bunch of different videos so they could see which was the most ~~pretentious~~ arty. So here's what I was able to get:

I implore you all to really just, give in to the haze of the wine, or whatever...

He's got some work to do, now...

2009-06-29T10:15:00.008-04:00

I wish I could blame being a parent on the fact that I watch cartoons. But really, I have no excuse. I love good cartoons; always have. Often times, it's a battle between my son and I over what to watch. Him, fascinated with the brightest, sing-songiest 3D marvel to entice his internal interpretive dancer, and myself desperate to watch anything with some underlying adult humor, battles usually rage and I usually bend to my little boy because lets face it: the kid could shatter glass with his range if he wanted to.

That being said, there are alot of things the two of us enjoy. For example, we both can get behind anything Hanna-Barbara of H-B-inspired. I'm a Space Ghost/Jetson's fan, my son: Rocket Robin Hood, Flinstones and of course, Scooby-Doo.

But being that I am much older and ~~awesomer~~ wiser than my 4 year old, I notice things that he might not be privy to - much like the Adult Humor I missed as a child in such classics as The Animaniacs or Bugs Bunny, I pay close attention to the character development of each cartoon hero, villain and animal.

More specifically, characters like Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo is THE SMARTEST DOG IN THE WORLD.

This bipedal pooch is a fucking MODERN MIRACLE. The dog can and DOES do anything!

Not only does he walk upright, a daring feat for even some humans, he can do things that most people can't do!

On the weekend, I saw Scooby Doo light a match with his ~~hand~~ paw! WITH HIS MOTHER-LOVING PAW! ONE-HANDED MATCH LIGHT. How many people can do that? Aside from cow boys, rough riders, and possibly The Pope, not alot.
And that's what got me ~~over-analyzing~~ thinking about this whole situation. I mean, why hasn't he been scooped up and put into a lab yet? I mean the dog fucking TALKS fer'christsakes. My Grandmother used to have a dog that could say "Dehors" when it wanted to go out, not a small feat for a dog, but I mean, Scooby-Doo can form coherent, albeit speech impeded sentences and is a valuable member of Mystery Inc. Infact, if it weren't for his impeccable knack for sniffing out thief's, bandits and other mooks, not to mention being a Master of Disguise, I doubt the rest of the brain-dead crew* would even know where to begin. There must be something going on with his DNA - Look at Scrappy-Doo? The pup is FAR more coherent than Scoob; he'll likely get a Nobel prize when he's full grown... Why aren't the cartoon scientists trying to map their genomes and cure alzeimers or that disease that turns your skin into wood or something?

This dog can drive. He can use cutlery - even though he's a DOG and has absolutely no use for it. He can do up buttons - an exercise my 4 year old has yet to conquer. He can mountain climb. He can parasail. He can sing and play instruments. He can use a computer. He met Batman! He has an eating disorder - JUST LIKE PEOPLE!! But more importantly, Scooby Doo can love...

I think it's fair to say that Scooby Doo is more than just an animated Marmaduke, he's a bit of a symbol. The perpetual 7 year old is a symbol to canines everywhere to extend far past the conformity's society has placed on them and to reach for the stars. To try things they might not otherwise try. To experience addictions they might not otherwise experience. To become functioning members of society much like the German Sheppard or Seeing Eye Dog.

Scooby-Doo is going to be 40 years young this year, and he's still going strong with youngsters everywhere. I think we should all just accept him as a world leader already.

*With the exception of Velma...and possibly Scrappy-Doo

They don't make things like they used to...

2009-06-24T11:21:00.011-04:00

A couple of years ago, I learnt about something called the "RealDoll".

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the RealDoll, what it is, is a life-sized doll used primarily in conjunction with sexual gratification (ie: quiet lady to masturbate in). Defined as "The World's Greatest Love Doll", it has a poseable PVC skeleton with steel joints and silicone flesh, not to mention that it is anatomically correct in practically every way. Running upwards around $5000 + a doll, the purchasing of a RealDoll is a real testament to the type of character possessed by the owner. Often times, when the owner isn't busy scraping old semen out of the doll's orifices with a spatula, the owner of a RealDoll might form a special bond, or even refer to the doll as their "girlfriend" or "partner" and pursue active relationship with their doll. The concept of a RealDoll has made it into popular culture by way of numerous pieces of literature on the subject, as well as documentaries and movies such as Lars and the Real Girl starring Academy Award Winner: Ryan Gosling.

RealDolls, and the men who love them...
Today, I learnt of a new trend that's arising along the same lines as the RealDoll, it's called Reborn Dolls. What they are, are silicone babies, made to look like infants...almost too much like infants.

These dolls are each handmade and generally take at least a week to produce. The dolls are so lifelike, that they're hard not to love. The Reborns are subject to "adoption" rather than mere purchase and often times can be made to exact specification.

In the Adoption Gallery, you can see the many faces of different Reborns that have found happy homes. Some with giant eyes that are strictly comical, to a baby orangutans, to many sleeping faces that are eerily life-like, it's hard not to pick a favorite. Mine, Baby Lauren:

Ingredients: Sugar, Spice, and Silicone.
While a Reborn can be a great way to elevate the stress from a long day at work, or recreate the memories of a lost infant, like any hobby, can turn into an addiction. And much like the collecting of human body parts, a home full of life-like infants in a permanent state of sleep or deer-in-headlights look, is fucking creepy.

If she doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will...

2009-06-23T15:11:00.009-04:00

A 23-year old woman from Muskogee, Oklahoma is in jail for killing a puppy and skinning it with the intent of making a belt out of it's hide.

According to reports, Krystal Lynn Lewis wanted the puppy dead as it was a gift from an ex-female lover with whom she did not get along. Austin Michael Mullins, age 26 apparently shot the puppy 10 times with a .22 calibre pistol - because why smother a puppy when you can shoot it to death? After the shooting, Lewis then skinned the Russell Terrier and then nailed it's hide to a board in her apartment.

The Ed Gein enthusiasts have since been charged with one felony count of cruelty to animals. The judge also ordered a mental competency exam for the woman.

While the wearing of animal pelts is generally reserved for the rich and glamorous, it's unclear why a regular Southerner would have any interest in wearing a Jack Russell Terrier (Besides the obvious, crazy reasons)

Reserved.

The ~~bloodbath~~ procurement of skins is often kept to animals with interesting pelts, such as leopards, zebras, foxes, and Dalmatians. The pelt of the Jack Russell Terrier is, as most Southerners know, excellent for the fashioning of many different garments.

Though, not the most fabulous of pelts, the Jack Russell Terrier is a necessary staple in the wardrobes of jilted lesbians everywhere.

With a cherry on top...

2009-06-22T11:38:00.008-04:00

A Russian woman, known only as Natalia K. is in hospital after having her hymen restored for the 6th time.

Russian news reports that after her husband expressed frustration over the fact that she had lost her virginity to another man before their wedding, Natalia K. decided that as a gift to her husband for their first anniversary, she would undergo a hymenoplasty operation to restore her 'virginity'. Apparently her husband was so pleased with the results, Natalia decided to undergo the procedure again later that year... consequently, she repeated the procedure 4 more times thereafter despite warning from her doctors.

Well, due to a "lowered immune system", Natalia's body was unable to fight off minor infection due to the operation and has landed herself in the ICU.

Being that this story is being reported by several different sources, it's unclear who's idea this really was. Personally, I'd like to blame the husband for the ass-hat move, but at the same time one has to wonder how far a wife's devotion to pleasing her man will really go.

I don't know about you, Ladies... but as for myself, I would not be quick to relive my deforestation. Certainly no one alive could get me to pay MONEY to have to endure discomfort, pain, bleeding, etc. all so my husband could get his rocks off.

Not only that, there's nothing organic about this procedure. In nature, you get your cherry popped once, and only once. To be fair, I think it's ~~romantic~~ not the end of the world that she did this for her husband. 6 times!? Talk about masochistic..

Still better than losing your virginity 6 times.

Moose Meat

2009-06-11T08:57:00.009-04:00

Seeing as I have nothing constructive to do with my time, it's once again time for:

BREAK DOWN THAT SONG!!!

Today, much to my dismay, is the absolute bane of my existence: SNIPER HYPERBOLE BY UBIQUITOUS SYNERGY SEEKER

Everything about this song grinds my gears and has since I first laid ears (?) on it. Don't get me wrong, I think the music for this song is fabulous. But this single is clearly a result of putting the horse before the cart, IE: making some sick music and then skimping on the lyrics thereafter. What's worse is that it's almost like they just opened up a copy of Scientific America, chose a bunch of words at random with a dart and then took all of those words, opened up a thesaurus, picked synonymous words at random with a Ouija board magnifying glass, then put all of those words onto little pieces of paper, dropped them into a baseball hat, shook it up, and then dumped all of those little pieces of paper into a blender, set it to "liquefy" and poured the pulp into a glass, drank it with some grenadine, waited, took a shit, and then wrote the lyrics for this song with an ostrich feather that they dunked in the ink that was made from their shit.

Alright, let's get this over with...

SNIPER HYPERBOLE
BY: UBIQUITOUS SYNERGY SEEKER

Stop right there! Lets break this down shall we?

Sniper Hyperbole = Assassin Exaggeration
Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker = Pervasive Symbiosis Suitor

See? I can do it too...fuckers.

Thoughts seem to stumble out of my mouth
I can't seem to stop and talk to them
Fear tries, to pierce the armor of truth
Hollow point sniper hyperbole

Thoughts seem to stumble out of your ass and into this song.
"Fear tries to pierce the armor of truth"? Is this song about sodomy? Is that what this is? Because if this song is about buttsecks, I can't go on and shit all over it... HERE AND QUEER, MUTHAFUCKAS!

I can't, seem
To follow a pendulum
And there must be organic cures for me
Report to base
Instrumental Case
Here's the map to my oubliette

So, running with the idea that this song is about trying to cure the 'gay', clearly this guy is wrestling with his need for the reach around. "Report base, instrumental case" - oh, you rhymed. And "instrument case" what, is that code for "the shoe box under your bed where you keep the strap-on you got your girlfriend for your 6 month-aversary"? Good for you. And um, "map to your oubliette"? Either these guys don't know what an "oubliette" is, or they're talking about assholes.

Once more,
I'm flying with Brian my friend
Hold me,
Bonavista baby
Moose meat,
Neighboured a medley of beans
Screech me

Wait... did you just rhyme "Flyin'" with "Brian"?

...oh, that's deep.

And totally GAY!

And wtf: "moose meat" "neighboured a medley of beans" "screech me" - ORGY? I think I used to know a Bear named "Moose Meat"... or maybe that's just what he called his junk. This "medley of beans" you're talking about. Do you mean "lots of testicles"? Did you get tea bagged into writing this song? "Screech me"... that sounds sexy actually. Someone want to screech me later?

I's the b'y that built the boat
I's the b'y that sailed her
I's the b'y the sunk the ship
You're the one that save me,
With love

Okay! Okay! Enough is enough! You can't just throw some East Coast sea shanties into the mix, now! Common', guys!! This, this is NOTHING! YOU JUST THREW NOTHING INTO THIS SONG!! WTF WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?! Omg, this song is going to give me an aneurysm. BTW: Thanks to Yv!l for pointing out that it's 'B'y' and not 'Boy' FUCK YOU USS

You make me flow
You help me to grow
You make me glow
You help me to know

Oh, My, God...

Woah... did I just stumble into a Prodigy video? Did that guy just play the mixer with his TEETH?! WTF just happened - you know what this is? This is a blatant example of Canada's desperation to have more artists on the map. They support this kind of garbage. "Hay Guys, you say you're from Toronto, eh? Well here's $100,000 - go make a video with your friends." This looks like it was made at Arts Court with all their friends from English Lit. They probably spent the leftover $98,000 on Canadian Beer, and clearly NOT on make-up artists - look how SWEATY they are? They didn't even bother to splurge on any Gatorade!!

The only image that would have made sense in this video

Though to be fair, I'd like to state for the record that I don't hate this band. I really don't. They're catchy and commercial. They're an example of what happened if every guy I ever went to highschool with who fancied himself an "Artiste" didn't have bastard children and end up working at a factory, actually went out and put together enough material to release and album and had the time to tour. Their musical ability is very strong, but their lyrics... THEIR LYRICS!! MY GOD - someone kill me now. I can't even handle it. I can only hope that in time, they realise that using 'big words' doesn't make them 'better' - infact, it almost makes them pretentious and dumb. And by "almost" I mean it most certainly makes them sound "dumb".

It only takes once...

2009-06-10T13:23:00.006-04:00

It's time once again to play "Break down that song!"

Today on the chopping block is "All I want to do (is make love to you)" by HEART.

For those of you who know me, you know that HEART is my favourite band of ALL TIME. Seriously. They are the greatest. But that doesn't mean that Ann and Nancy Wilson were immune to the shitacularness of what was the 1980's. For that brief but nightmarish decade, the girls sported giant hair and pumped out some GREAT, Essentials Collection hits. Among those hits was a little diddy called "All I want to do". Cheese at it's most aged, this song is a ballad of a romanticised one-night-stand. It wasn't until today that I really took a good, hard listen to the lyrics of this song...let's take a walk, shall we?

All they want to do bump your junk...
ALL I WANT TO DO (IS MAKE LOVE TO YOU
BY: HEART

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

So, apparently the 80's were a safer time for women. A time when it was okay to pick up a vagrant on the side of the road. A SOAKED vagrant at that. Never mind whether he was a hitch-hiker or not, where the hell is his umbrella? I'm sorry if your heart is too big for your chest there Ann, but just in case, maybe you should have the pepper spray ready.

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight
Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night

Okay, did you just pick up a boy on the side of the road? Where are his parents? Okay, for my own benefit, I'm going to assume she means "young man" because I don't even want to touch on Cradle Robbing today.
By the way Ann, you have a little something there on your face, looks like desperation. Why are you asking him to spend the night? Didn't you two just meet? You've only been driving for a 'while' there, Ann. Maybe you should stop for some coffee or something before you let him bone you.

CHORUS:
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to

It's because she's saying "Make Love" rather than "Bump Junk" or "Do the Nasty" that this song is acceptable. Also, how do we know he's not a hobo? With the exception of empty box cars, where do we typically find hobos? That's right, ~~soup kitchens~~ on the side of the road. And Ann, to be fair, of course he wants you too. He is a man after all... Ladies?

So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note

Jesus, Ann! Are you telling us that you pick up Nomads on a REGULAR BASIS? You know the hotel well? You better work there, Jesus. Thank God he was good in bed though, or it might have been a waste.

...wait, you left him a note? You offered him a ride and then DITCHED him at some hotel? Well, at least you know where he is...

I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there

Hrm... cryptic much? This almost seems like you have something to hide, Ann. And why are you talking in metaphors? Why couldn't you just have said something like: "Thanks for the kicks, bus tickets are on the table."? At least a memory is all he left you with...

CHORUS

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love

*ahem* it's because you ARE strangers...

Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can

HOLD UP!! Ann, either you stole the man's eye balls or... DID YOU HAVE HIS KID?!! Ann! Are you trying to tell me that you had UNPROTECTED SEX with a HOBO during the 1980's?! Am I the only one who remembers the AIDS CRISIS?! And MY GOD, Ann! Please don't tell me your kid knows that his father is some soaked hitch-hiker you picked up in the middle of the night so that you could get knocked up because YOUR ACTUAL MAN has lazy sperm. Apparently, in the 80's, fertilization treatments weren't readily available and Melissa Ethridge wasn't sharing the wealth.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too

CHORUS REP.

All night long ...

So, wow, ok... I sort of just ruined this song for me, but to be fair, it's a little fucked up. Clearly Ann and Nancy Wilson are NOT the greatest role models. This song is clearly an example of the stress they were under to conform to the 80's and leave behind their ROCK N' ROLL ideals - I'm not going to hold them responsible for this atrocity.

I'll be honest, this is almost EXACTLY how I imagined the video would be - I'm glad I wasn't disappointed. While the song was apparently released in 1990, I'm still going to blame the 80's... it's just easier to stomach that way. What are the odds the guy that you dropped off at a hotel 3 years ago is WORKING there now? And how could it be, that at a hotel that you 'knew so well', you didn't know he was working there? Did you just never go back? Did you lose all interest in it after you got that ++ ? Oh, and just to get a word in edgewise, looks like all Nancy wants to do is shag her guitar...bad form, Hollywood. Again, I'm NOT going to blame HEART for this, because I'd like to believe they had little creative control over their music videos...and their wardrobe.

I <3 <3... in the wild.

2009-06-09T09:05:00.008-04:00

Two gay penguins in Berlin, Germany have been given the opportunity most gay animal couples don't get: the opportunity to be parents.

The egg was originally placed with the couple back in April when it's birth parents (likely in their mid-teens) orphaned the egg. The male peinguins then incubated the egg for 30 days and still continue to care for the chick today.

The gayest penguins you know

The male couple, Z and Vielpunk, are among 3 same sex penguin couples housed at the Berlin Zoo. Homosexuality between animals is nothing new, though not widely discussed. National Geographic recently published an interesting article on the subject.

Another interesting exhibition of homosexual activity is found in the endangered Bonobo chimpanze situated in the Congo. These primates are often referred to as the "make love, not war" apes as their means of conflict resolution tend to be through sexual interaction. Because, I suspect, these apes have yet to be privy to developing a sense of shame, or moral decency, they often interact with members of their gender by way of "scissoring" amongst females and "penis fencing" amongst the males. Genital rubbing and rump bumping are also a favorites.
Acting as if they have no idea that God hates them, these primates live within matriarchal communities and often are capable of altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, and sensitivity. (...)

Above: Two female Bonobo chimps - participating in conflict resolution

I'll save my thoughts on Nature vs. Nurture for another day.

From the baddest bitch, this side of the Atlantic.

2009-05-27T13:40:00.007-04:00

As a rule, I try not to comment on politics. Especially Canadian politics because while I am a Canuck born and bred, I just don't get it.

Recently, our Governor General Michaëlle Jean has been the butt of some controversy over the fact that she partook in a feast of Seal in Nunavut on Monday. Many animal rights activists as well as members of the general public have called the act "barbaric" as our GG ate a seal heart...raw.

Taking it like a champ

Many countries are fighting to ban the import of seal products citing that the act of killing is "inhumane" and are associating the actions of our Gov. Gen. with blatant blood lust.

While I can't say clubbing baby seal is priority on my agenda, I think our GG kicks some ASS for taking part in an alienated ritual that's been around for thousands of years. Canada, hell, North America in it's entirety is founded on a principle of multiculturalism. Part of having an inherent culture means having rituals and celebrations that make sense within your culture. The Seal Hunt is an example of that. It is a ritual - not a sport. Every part of the seal gets used from it's pelt, it's blubber, eyes, genitals, meat, and yes, it's heart. It may seem barbaric, but it's no different from off-shore fishing or harvesting Veal. It's a REGULATED institution and a RESPECTED ritual.

Kali maaaaa.....

Bitch if you must - seals are fucking ADORABLE and granted, a gas chamber is more humane than a club to the cranium, but at the end of the day, where are the whiners when it comes to Caribou hunts. Buffalo, rabbits, chinchillas, quail? What about the baby cows that are chained to their little huts until they meet their premature deaths, or the zillions of chickens that are crammed into tiny cages pumped full of hormones and antibiotics? Cute animals get eaten every day too - and those ones you can get in your local grocery store.

I think our GG deserves a round of applause for taking no guff from nobody!

When asked Tuesday whether her actions were a message to Europe, Jean replied, "Take from that what you will." - why? Because she fucking CAN!

NOT Fabulous

2009-05-25T09:10:00.011-04:00

So, you've got to hand it to the marketing genius' in the fashion industry who finally realised that women weren't getting any smaller. Alot of clothing chains that carry clothes for women have started including plus-sized clothing or have been making their regular sizes a little bigger. Gap, Old Navy, Wal-mart, even Le Chateau have all made the change - and personally, I LOVE the fact that I'm now a Medium at the Gap, and not a "We'll-see-if-we-have-it-in-the-back" kinda girl.

With that being said, I can't forget to mention the stores that have been doing it for ages. Stores like Adition-elle have made themselves one of the foremost authorities on supplying BBW with the clothing they use to ROCK themselves. Reitmans is another example. They have forever been catering to women of all shapes and sizes including dedicating specific sections in their stores for the regulars, talls, petities, and plus-sized women of North America for a while now.

Recently, Reitmans has introduced their "real life" campaign which has shown your average, every-day woman strutting her junk like she's a super model but in every day scenarios, because lets face it: if the baby-spit up or the government ID badge didn't give it away, you might just assume these ~~actresses~~ women were models.

One of my personal favourites has been the guerrilla bus terminal ad campaign featuring one of my favourite slogans: "Muffin tops are for breakfast"

But what happens when reality sets in? The reality that I'm speaking of, of course, is: Fat Chicks.
The same industries that are trying to cater to the plus-sized market are still alienating the women who are part of it.

Exhibit A:

NOT Fabulous

The above image is from a Reitmans e-newsletter. The slogan: "Now available in small, medium, and Fabulous!" would lead consumers to believe that Large is the New Black and that maybe it's actually OK to be whatever size you are.

But what about that model?

She doesn't look like she wears a size-fabulous.

Infact, I would go far as to say she's probably an extra-skeletor which isn't fabulous at all.

Actually, there weren't any BBW featured anywhere in the e-flyer .

Though, to be fair, if you look closely, you can see an outfit of plus sized "summer essentials" in the top right-hand corner.

I think what's important to remember here is that the World is changing. Women are changing. And while it's all well and good to try and be non-exlusive, it sucks some BIG OL'BALLS to have to wander to the back of the store, or go to a specialty shop to get clothes that fit you. With such a staggering amount of nonerexic women, it's about time companies work on the Size Fabulous initiative and stop making women feel damaged or ugly because they're regular and healthy.

2009-04-06T15:01:00.000-04:00

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

2009-04-01T12:23:00.003-04:00

YOU MUST CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Hilaaaaarious and completely unrelated picture

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2009-04-01T09:05:00.004-04:00

NUNAVUT!

Canada's home to the GREATEST and most inter-species-erotic coat of arms EVER

Nunavut is a sweet 10 years old today! It was on this day back in 1999 that Nunavut officially separated from the North West Territories. Nunavut - meaning "our land" in Inuktutit, is home to some fantastic Canadian creatures, as well as Canadian Treasure, Susan Aglukark.

As tasty as they are majestic

And now for your enjoyment, please take a moment and celebrate with me with some traditional INUIT THROAT SINGING!

The Global Cast...of my heart.

2009-03-27T12:53:00.007-04:00

So today at lunch, I opted for some Micky D's, because lets face it - I'm lovin' it.

When I returned to the office, I noticed yet another fresh faced "Global Casting Star" gracing the side of my luncheon bag. Today's fresh face was none other than Terri from Sevierville, TN U.S.A. Terri is described as being a "Pioneering wheelchair rappeller". If you don't know what she's doing in the picture that accompanies this bio, one might assume it involves huffing wheelchairs in some sort of par-Olympic style shot-put.

Not -exactly- what I meant...

What she's -actually- doing is wheelchair rock climbing.

Terri doing what she do

It was a little difficult to find any information on Terri. After a bit of research though, I found out that her real name is Teresa Kusmierczyk. She applied to be a "Global Casting Star" under the stage name Terri Kacie - the same name she used when competing for the title of Miss Wheelchair Florida 1991. Terri is a 40-year veteran of Girl Scouts and a longtime leader with Girl Scouts of Suncoast Council.

Originally, I looked at my McDonald's bag and asked myself why it is that some people with disabilities opt to pursue activities that clearly require the part of their body that they're disabled from. Why not try some tole painting? But after reading more about Terri, it occurred to me that some people just want to push the limits. Terri, defined as being a "Woman of Distinction" seems to be the type that likes to push the boundaries. Maybe I'm more envious since I'm a lazy ass and will never be bothered to attempt to rock climb - with, or without the use of my legs.

Or maybe I'm just bitter because part of me feels that actual McDonalds customers should be featured on the bags holding the food they love so much.

"Ba-dah bah bah bah...."

What would you do for a Big Mac?

...in retrospect, I think personally pursuing a career in advertising would be ill-advised.

"KITTENS INSPIRED BY KITTENS!"

2009-03-21T19:11:00.000-04:00

Just so you know...

2009-03-20T09:18:00.002-04:00

There is probably no greater musical performance than this moment right here:

I hope you all cry.

The hunt is ON!

2009-03-19T13:14:00.006-04:00

...for witches that is.

1,000 supposed witches have been rounded up in Gambia by Witch Doctors and are being forced to drink a hallucinogenic substance in order to have them confess to witchcraft. The liquid has prompted kidney failure in some of the witches which has resulted in death...as has the severe beatings. You can bet your sweet buttons Amnesty International isn't too pleased.

Amnesty International was quoted to have said:
"Damnit! Now who're we gonna get to cure AIDS?!"

This witch-hunt started when the president of Gambia, Yahya Jammeh, suspected witches were behind the death of his aunt earlier this year and enlisted the help of Witch Doctors to help combat the evil-doings of these evil...doers?

"It's alright...I'm a doctor."

President Yahya Jammeh seized power in a 1994 coup. His government has been accused of several murders over the last few years, though all of which have been thoroughly denied.

Oh, and did I mention he can cure AIDS?

He is also reported to have resurrected Biggie Smalls

Yeah - apparently cures the AIDS in his Presidential Palace with the use of herbs and incantations... I guess that's why the man has such high approval ratings?

I dunno though...sounds alot like witchcraft to me...

NOTE TO SELF: Don't visit Western African any time soon...

READ ON...

I think I'd be happier with the nickle - A Break Down

2009-03-02T09:41:00.008-05:00

It's now time once again to play Break Down That Song!

Today's mind-numbing lyrical ~~atrocity~~ genius is Nickleback's, Something In Your Mouth.

Nickelback - Something In Your Mouth

Got to meet the hottie with the million dollar body
They say it's over budget, but you'd pay her just to touch it, come on
Needs to hit the big screen, and shoot a little love scene
If Hollywood had called her, she'd be gone before you holler, come on

So this song starts out with Monkeyman Chad Krueger talking about this girl whom, I suppose should be in porno? Is she a prostitute? Is she you're grandmother? Let's read on...

Dirty little lady with the pretty pink thong
Every sugar daddy hittin' on her all night long
Doesn't care about the money, she could be with anybody
Ain't it funny, yea but honey I wanted you all along

Okay, so this dance club is clearly in a Cornwall, or Sudbury-type region. But I'm still left wondering, isn't it better to be with anybody -with- money? I guess you're in luck, Wolf-Man...

(You naughty thing)
You're ripping up the dance floor honey
(You naughty woman)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(You're such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(The way you shake)
And tease them all while sucking on your thumb
You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Wait...

Sucking on her thumb? Is she developmentally delayed? That isn't hot! It's a choking hazard! Jesus - kids suck their thumbs... and THAT shouldn't be sexy, EVER.

Crafty little lip tricks
Tattoo's on her left hip
She's bending as you're spending there's no end to it so baby come on
Dressed up like a princess
Bettin' that her skin smells
Better than the scent of every flower in the desert, come on

WTF is a 'lip trick'? I dunno how cute some Single Parent Cornwall girl would be Jean-Chretien'ing all over her spitty thumb would be - and she probably smells less like scentless desert flowers, and more like a refinery.

Chorus

She loves the night scene bar queen
Just living for the fun taking over every dance floor like shes the only one
In the spotlight all night kissing everyone
And trying to look so innocent while sucking on her thumb
(So much cooler)
When you never pull it out
(So much cuter)
With something in your mouth

Ugh! Think about the bacteria this girl is spreading! She's at a bar, touching people, touching shit, her hands, all up in her mouth - and she's MAKING OUT with everyone?! How is this girl attractive whatsoever?!

Chorus

And tease them all while sucking on your thumb
You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your

I think what we need to take away from this song is that Chad Krueger is likely a pedophile and we should seriously consider chipping this guy. Also - have men's standards fallen so much that they're not into children and the disabled? Because, I mean, that's cool and all, but, really?

Happy Birthday

2009-03-02T09:32:00.003-05:00

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

Happy 105 Big Guy!

The punnies... it's in mah blood.

2009-03-01T17:38:00.006-05:00

Me: "Y'know, I hate men! And our parent's generation are just as bad as our men! Cheaters, liars - they're no different! That's it! I'm going gay. I am now, a lesbian!"

Mom: "Oh no, don't do that! Don't you know how treacherous women are? That's a whole gammot of other problems."

Me: "You're right - I'm going Nun."

Mom: "Then you'll be getting 'nun'."

Heh... when my mom is right, she is SO right.

this is interesting

2009-02-26T12:19:00.001-05:00

Created by Train Horns

Time to get yo'Shrove On!

2009-02-24T16:09:00.004-05:00

Happy Shrove Tuesday, everyone!

In honour of the Mardi Gras, senior physics lecturer, Dr Garry Tungate at Birmingham University has come up with the solution to toss the perfect pancake. (...)

The pancake, weighing 50g, should be flipped into the air at a speed of 10 miles per hour, ensuring that it will take less than 0.5 of a second to reach the top of its trajectory. At this point the pancake should have rotated 90 degrees at a rate of 0.55 revs per second.

It then takes a further 0.45 seconds to make it back down to the pan, rotating a further 90 degrees on the way, making a total airtime of just nine-tenths of a second.

The pancake will then hit the pan with a velocity of 4.5 metres per second. Failure to position the pan correctly will result in the pancake continuing its journey on to the floor, which it will hit at 14 miles per hour, just 1.1 seconds after its launch. Worse, it will land uncooked side down.(...)

As a Freed-from-Catholicism Athiest, nothing says Hooray for Fat Tuesday quite like the perfect pancake!

Thank YOU Science!

The Sweet Tooth of SCIENCE!

2009-02-23T12:38:00.007-05:00

Cotton Candy has delighted carnival-goers and scientists for years and while the Fair Stompers have been able to combine their two loves for generations, Scientists unfortunately, have not.

That is, until now...

Scientists in New York have presented their preliminary work concerning cotton candy and tissue development in the online magazine Soft Matter*.

The process would work is like this:

"First, you pour a thick liquid chemical over a wad of cotton candy. Let the
liquid solidify into a chunk, and put that in warm water to dissolve the candy.
That leaves tiny channels where the strands of candy used to be. So you have a
chunk of material with a network of fine channels within.

Next, line these channels with cells to create artificial blood vessels. And seed the solid chunk with immature cells of whatever tissue you're trying to make. The block is biodegradable, and as it disappears, it will gradually be replaced by growing tissue. In the end, you get a piece of tissue permeated with tiny blood vessels."(...)

This, IMO, is probably the third coolest thing you can do with candy.

The second is this:

The first is this:

*If you want to read the research, you'll have to create an account at Soft Matter and then search for the article.

Star-studded Apocalypse

2009-02-19T10:38:00.008-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the fate of the world rests in the hands of none other, than BIG star, Tom Hanks. (...)

The last face CERN will ever see.

That's right, the Bosom Buddies star could be responsible for the end of the world as we know it!

Okay, so I'm exaggerating. The odds of Tom Hanks actually destroying the world (out of character, that is) is frighteningly slim.

The odds of the Large Hadron Collider malfunctioning and sucking all life as we know it into the depths of oblivion however, are slightly higher.

Spot the Hadron

While filming Angels and Demons, star Tom Hanks was approached by CERNS director of accelerators and technology Steve Myers and asked to be the official responsible for turning on the Large Hadron Collider scheduled for later this year. He said 'Yes.' of course.

Though it's fair to say that I'm extremely jealous and wouldn't have blamed anyone for having said yes, part of me wonders if they would have asked him during the filming of Forrest Gump...

"I may not be a smart man, but I know all about the Hardon Collider"
"That's the Hadron Collider, Forrest..."

Open Letter...

2009-02-17T21:13:00.004-05:00

Dear Lady in my building,

I'm so sorry that my 1998 Suzuki Swift got in the way of your boyfriend's mid-Millennial Mazda race car that found it's way into our parking lot this winter. It must be really stressful for him to leave a car of that caliber in a parking lot as welfare as ours. It must be especially strenuous for him considering the parking lot he's used to using belongs to the neighbouring apartment complex, and not the one you're living in.

What I can't understand is how I could have put your visiting boyfriend out to the point where he'd have to park his car even closer to our building - I'm so inconsiderate. To think, that parking next to the door as opposed to next to the dumpster was just such an inconvenience - where was my head? For someone who pays for her parking spot, I should have had a better understanding for Grotto Parking-lot etiquette.

And what's worse, is that I, in all my thoughtlessness, put you in a position to discomfort yourself by coming up to me, the stranger who stole your weekend-boyfriend's parking spot, and inquiring about when I intended on moving out of the spot - and then, oh the awkwardness, of you having to correct me when I thought you were talking about the spot by the door that I had parked in that night because of my 4 year old and his painful, fractured arm. I'm sure coming up to a strange woman and her small child who was doubled over in pain, in the middle of the night, while a shady Mexican Man stared on by the dumpsters by your boyfriend's stolen parking spot, was really a difficult task for your to execute, especially when urging your small yappy dog to urinate in front of the door we all use.

So my apologies, sweet, middle-aged, Butter-Faced, faux-blonde living in my building. Forgive me for putting you in a position to wear the pants in your relationship. Please take pity on my ignorance - I didn't realise that single people in their late-40's were lacking in able-bodied'ness. Being in my early 20's, I had no idea that a man's mid-life crisis involved having his woman fights his battles over which angle he receives the fragrant scents of refuse belonging to about 50 welfared families, nor had I really given it much thought between working 45 hours a week and nursing my 4-year-old's shattered elbow.

I hope that in time, you can come to forgive me and perhaps then we can live in a ghetto of peace and understanding.

Sincerely,

Ren-andthensome

2009-02-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

Charles Dawin: THE MUSICAL!

2009-02-13T09:45:00.002-05:00

This has got to be the greatest thing I have ever stumbled upon via the interweb

CHARLES DARWIN: LIVE IN CONCERT is the brainchild of Mr. Richard Milner: The Singing Dawrinian Scholar.

Richard Milner is a historian and overall Darwin enthusiast who has a live show around songs he wrote detailing moments in Darwin's life, and his discoveries, of course.

The songs are actually quite catchy and I am so inclined to go ahead and purchase his album.

I'm not about to detail the numerous literary accomplishments of Ms. Milner, so I'll instead encourage you all to visit his website: DARWINLIVE.com

Honorable Mention

2009-02-13T09:02:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, was Charles Darwin's 200th Birthday.
What I failed to report on was that it was also Abraham Lincoln's 200th Birthday. Darwin and Lincoln were both born on the same day, of the same year and were both revolutionaries in their own domains.

Last year, I came across an article that broke down their two lives into the commonalities and detailed their individual accomplishments. As fascinating as the article was, it was hard to end on a note of "coincidences" that bound them, but thus is the nature of their linkage.

The article was featured in Newsweek entitled "How Darwin and Lincoln Shaped Us"

Below is an excerpt from that article outlining some of the common similarities the two shared:

Both lost their mothers in early childhood. Both suffered from depression
(Darwin also suffered from a variety of crippling stomach ailments and chronic
headaches), and both wrestled with religious doubt. Each had a strained
relationship with his father, and each of them lost children to early death.
Both spent the better part of their 20s trying to settle on a career, and
neither man gave much evidence of his future greatness until well into middle
age: Darwin published "The Origin of Species" when he was 50, and Lincoln won
the presidency a year later. Both men were private and guarded. Most of Darwin's
friendships were conducted through the mail, and after his five-year voyage on
HMS Beagle as a young man, he rarely left his home in the English countryside.
Lincoln, though a much more public man, carefully cultivated a bumpkin persona
that encouraged both friends and enemies to underestimate his considerable,
almost Machiavellian skill as a politician.(...)

Another good resource if you're interested in learning more about the two is a Short book entitled Angels and Ages: A Short Book About Darwin, Lincoln, and Modern Life by Adam Gopnik.

If you're interested in this sort of stuff whatsoever, I highly recommend reading the article. A very fascinating article about two very fascinating men.

200! You're practically a lady!

2009-02-12T09:18:00.003-05:00

Happy 200th, Big Guy!!

TGIF, Mutha'fuckas!

2009-02-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

Ren-andthensome's Music REVIEW STORY HOUR!

2009-02-04T11:59:00.002-05:00

So, as those of you who know me personally know, I am a big music critic. And I know, alot of you are thinking: "Ren, your music fucking sucks, what the hell do you even have to critique? Don't you be judgin' OUR music, yo!"

Well, I just have to share this band with you.

They're called FLEET FOXES and are without a doubt my favourite band of 2009 (thus far).

Fleet Foxes are a Seattle-based band that got noticed in 2006 with their self-titled album Fleet Foxes and have since gained public notoriety with their 2008 release, Sun Giant.

Their music has a folksy, gather-around-the-campfire feel to it, and while they mostly resemble hobos and Brian Wilson reincarnates, their sound is crisp, delicious, and catchy as hell.

Please take a moment and enjoy the song that first got me hooked, He Doesn't Know Why.

It could be that he doesn't understand why he's playing to livestock

Also, if you like what you hear, take a moment to check out my favourite song, White Winter Hymnal.

You can check more by Fleet Foxes at their Myspace page.

The more you know...

2009-02-04T11:44:00.005-05:00

Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.

Breast feeding must've fucking SUCKED*

*no pun intended.

The more you know...

2009-02-04T11:38:00.004-05:00

Did you know the average office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet?

*eyes new desk*

Somebody pass the Purell?

...I'm going to go work in the bathroom.

Librarians'll cut'chu

2009-02-04T11:06:00.005-05:00

A 39 year-old woman from Independence Iowa was arrested and charged with 5th-degree theft for failing to return her book, The Freedom Writers Diary, to her public library.

The woman had been called repeatedly and was even visited by the police and told to return the book, valued at $13.95.

Shelly Koontz, no relation to the author Dean Koontz, has since been released on a $250 bond.

"Gah! No there's no relation!!"

Oh-hoh the Irony.

I currently have 3 overdue books in my possession, all of which have been sought after by the Ottawa Public Library. I've received phone calls, bills for the money I owe in late fees (Over $100) and notices from Collection Agencies...

...I guess I should get on that returning, huh?

Don't fuck with the Library, y'all. It's a public service, don't hog that shit. Take it from me...and Shelly Koontz (no relation).

You can read more of the corresponding article HERE!

Edit: "Little known fact: Dog, the bounty hunter, is an ex-librarian. Seriously." - Feminist Catalyst

3 Trillion...

2009-02-03T13:10:00.004-05:00

No, it's not how much debt the United States has incurred, it's actually the size of the Milky Way.. 3 Trillion Suns, that is.

Scientists at Harvard University have started a new study to map The Milky Way and have determined that it was larger than originally projected.

In fact, The Milky Way is just as massive as the Andromeda galaxy, both of which are constantly spinning and are expected to collide at some point in the next few billion years.

You can check out more of the corresponding article HERE!

Antique Marijuana

2009-02-03T10:34:00.005-05:00

~~Grave robbers~~ Archaeologists recently discovered a 2,700 year old stash of marijuana in the Gobi Desert. The weed was excavated at the Yanghai Tombs near Turpan, China and was it was found lightly pounded in a wooden bowl in a leather basket near the head of a blue-eyed Caucasian man who died when he was about 45.

It is believed that due to the nature of the value of the items, the man could have been a Gushi Shaman which would indicate that the cannabis was either used for medical or psychotropic purposes.

Scientists however, are curious to know how the drug was administered since there were no ~~rolling papers~~ pipes ~~bongs~~ at the site. It it believed that it might have been taken orally ~~in brownies~~.

For more information on the Older-Than-God Mary J, please check out the following LINK.

Bees on Drugs

2009-02-03T09:16:00.008-05:00

So as if cell phones weren't enough, Australian Researchers have now given bees cocaine to examine it's effects on the insect.

The soci-dynamics of a honey bee colony is quite complex. Every bee has it's role and every role is important. But as much as the colony depends on their Queen to keep the population steady, they rely equally on those of the colony who work at gathering the best pollen for their tribe.

That being said, in order to collect the bounty, honey bees must trek out into the wide unknown in search of said tasty pollen and return to the hive to deliver the message of sweet goodness to the other members of the colony so that other collector bees can go and help with the collection process.

Now, as if you're stupid, I'm going to mention that since bees don't have developed speech, they do however have a very intricate form of visual communication which involves a series of complex dance moves to help direct the other bees to the bounty.

Upon finding a hell of a stash of clover (for example) the honey bill will rush back to it's hive and enthusiastically dance out directions for the other bees, much like the excitement a group of 12 year old boys share upon finding a dead body in a gorge.
And ultimately, should their relic hunting result in a mediocre find, the bee will return and perform a less than thrilling dance for the other bees...

Ren-andthensome, what does this have to do with narcotics?

Well, I'll tell you.

As I mentioned, Australian researchers administered a low dose of cocaine to the backs of honey bees. The blow resulted in a reaction much like that of a human: extreme enthusiasm.

Imagine you just huffed some coke off the backside of a trucker named Biff, and then made your way to the jukebox to play yourself some Ring of Fire. I can guarantee that after your little indiscretion, that song will never sound better. The sights, the scents, even the company of the little dive you're currently rocking your face off will be about as thrilling as a rollercoaster ride without a seatbelt.

The same can be said for bees on cocaine.

The ~~addict~~ honey bee will head out, as if it were any other work day, and proceed to hunt down it's treasure. Well, lo' and behold the bee comes across a field of lush, pollinated, mutha'of'a'wild flower patch and decides "Oh man - I GOTTA tell the girls* about this!" So Little Suzy Huff n' Blow books it back to the hive to use those 10 years of interpretive jazz dance classes to the extreme for the good of the hive.

So much like your run in with a jukebox and some Johnny Cash, this bee just goes to town on her moves and Napoleon Dynamites her way through the directions.
The other bees, stoked at her enthusiasm and rush out to the flower patch only to find that the "patch" is less than satisfactory and return, disgruntled to the hive.

In short: Cocaine + Bees = Too much enthusiasm = Disgruntled roommates.

Therefore, bees + cocaine = Hilarity.

Also, as a side note, the bees also went through symptoms of withdrawal and had to be put on liquid cocaine for a week before the scientists opted to make them go cold turkey on the drug.

You can learn more about the study by clicking here

*The honey bees that go out in search of food are female.

Time Tripping

2008-11-14T09:07:00.005-05:00

So recently, very recently in fact, I've discovered The Flaming Lips.

Now, this isn't to say that I had never heard of them, I just never appreciated them until now.

For those of you who like me knew nothing of The Flaming Lips until now, allow me to give you the cliff notes:

The Flaming Lips are a band out of Oklahoma City and they formed in the early 1980's. The band was considered to be indie until Warner Brothers picked them up in 1993 and we were graced with the hit She Don't Use Jelly. (...)

As a rule, I don't care for pseudo-psychedelic bands. In fact, I think unless you're doing it right, you shouldn't be time traveling at all.*cough*caribou*cough* But for some reason, The Flaming Lips just have it down. An acoustic sound with radical lyrics makes me feel cooler by just listening.

Q Magazine recently dubbed The Flaming Lips as one of the 50 Bands You Must See Before You Die. Some people say it's because the mixture of LSD and their music will melt your eyeballs. I say it's because of Wayne Coyne's giant bubble.

In combination with their freaky lyrics and acoustic/spacey sound, The Flaming Lips are without a doubt a band you should all get into - NO EXCEPTIONS.

I was originally going to share with you their song Are You a Hypnotist, but the video is very choppy and fast, and is really hard to watch without drugs, so instead, I'll be melting your faces off with probably the only Flaming Lips song you're familiar with, Do You Realize.

Enjoy.

If you're sold, be sure to check out The Flaming Lips current, and long awaited release Christmas on Mars. It features both an album and a DVD movie they've been working on for what seems like forever.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2008-11-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

The Swashbuckler

2008-10-28T16:28:00.010-04:00

On the topic of ironically sexy Halloween costumes, I thought I'd start out with one that's become a fad in recent years:

The Pirate.

The Sexy Pirate has had a reoccurring roll as a sexy costume for the last few decades, but it wasn't until the release, and chaos surrounding Pirate of the Caribbean films, that they made the splash as numero uno in the nearly inappropriate category.

It's easy to determine why exactly a lady pirate would be sexy. First, they're fugitives, thieves, convicts and quite frankly, Bad Asses are irresistible, no matter the sex. Secondly, pirates = adventure! Obviously, Pirates are savvy and ~~street~~ open sea smart. Lastly, Bitch could cut'chu. Dangerous = HAWT x infinity.

What makes this costume ironic is that we all know that Pirates were NOT sexy. Infact, most pirates were sickly, malnourished, and died young. The women, if not sex slaves, were likely dressed as men.

Actually a woman

Other than that, pirates were riddled with diseases. Pirates often has skin disorders like scabies, gout and boils, and due to lack of education or access to proper medical knowledge, amputation was usually the only answer. Also, did I mention the various internal disorders caused by poorly prepared foods, or toxins; Dysentery anyone?

Arr...you want to tap mah bootay? Arrr!

It's not that I have anything against pirates. Infact, I am a HUGE pirate advocate. All I'm saying is maybe a more original and authentic costume would a stinky, scabby, cross-dressing amputee pirate.

...ladies.

The Bane of My Existence Award

2008-10-25T22:35:00.005-04:00

As a child, Halloween was all about the adrenaline in facing all the horrors that go along with the Day of the Dead: Spooks, Vampires, Witches, Razorblades in your apples... but as you get older, Halloween becomes less about the thrill and more about the candy until eventually, you give up on the night all together. That is, until you become an adult.
Once adulthood hits, you start to long for a more simpler time. A time when the old lady living next door was likely a witch, and fruit being handed out during Trick-or-Treating was likely riddled with death traps and the Super HIV. As adults, we strive to rekindle that nostalgia thus attempting to recreate the thrill with something called the "Halloween Party".
The Halloween Party is an event less focused on candy of the Tasty variety, and more of that of the Eye variety. As adults we go to great lengths to capture the moment with the BEST Halloween costume EVER. Dishing out crap-loads of cash for the PERFECT outfit that will not only be unique, but will crush the competition with it's attention to detail. We want our costume to reflect not only our personalities, but our media-savvy as well.

However, that is not always the case...

Having become an adult in recent years, I've unfortunately been subject to the bastardization of the costume agenda by what has therefore become the bane of my existence...

The "Sexy" Costume...

Ah yes, the Halloween Whoring has become a tradition in and of itself. Sure, the Sinful Temptress get-up has been around since the dawn of time. Marilyn Monroe? A natural vixen! Milk Maids? French Maids? Little Red Riding Hood - HELL! Anything with a damn bustier, I'll let you play the 'sexy' card! But really? Aren't we going a little far?

So, Ladies and Germs, until Halloween, I will be sharing with you the champions of the most redundant and ironic of the sexy costume'age available to ~~sell~~ dress yourself in for the 2008 Day of the Dead.

And remember Girls:

It's okay to dress up like a slut, after all, it's HALLOWEEN!

We love to funk you, Funkenstein

2008-10-25T09:46:00.003-04:00

Ain't nothing good unless you play with it...

Not a very "Halloween'ey" song, but I think it makes its point...

...The disco-era had monsters too

You can check out the LP version HERE!

Dr.Funkenstein by Parliament

Whoa!
They say the bigger the headache, the bigger the pill, baby
Call me the big pill
Dr Funkenstein
The disco fiend with the monster sound
The cool ghoul with the bump transplant

Hip bone connected to my thigh bone
My thigh bone connected to my leg bone
My leg bone connected to my ankle bone
I get so hung up on bones
Dr Funkenstein here
Preoccupied and dedicated
To the preservation of the motion of hips

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best (talk!)
Take my body, give it the mind
To funk with the rest (kiss me on my ego)
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein (ohhh, over!)

Dr. Funkenstein, King of the Funk, yeah!
Swift lippin', ego trippin' and body snatchin'
I'll blow your mind
Comin' to you directly from the Mothership
Pulling up the last leg (ah, ah, ah)
Of the P.Funk
Well, alright

Dr. Funkenstein, yeah
He'll funk with your mind (ooover)

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best (let me hear it for me)
Take my body, give it the mind
To funk with the rest (ha!)
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein (alright!)

Microbiologically speaking,
When I start churnin', burnin' and turnin'
I'll make your atoms move so fast
Expandin' your molecules
Causing a friction fire
Burnin' you on your neutron
Causing you to scream
"Hit me in the proton, BABY!"

(I don't know what I'm talking about)
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love you, Funkenstein (oh yeah, let's do it one more time)
Ohhhh, over!
Hoo-wee!
(you're really out of sight)
I hope you all got your sunglass on out there

Ho!
It's really gonna blow your mind

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best (talk!)
Take my body, give it the mind
To funk with the rest (kiss me on my ego)
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best (over!)
Take my body, give it the mind
To funk with the rest
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein

Ain't nothing but a party, baby!
Swift lippin', and ego trippin' and body snatchin'
Dr. Funkenstein, you are really out of sight
The bigger the headache, the bigger the pill
They call me the big pill
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to, Funk-a-stein
(Yeah, hit me one time, one time!)
(Hey man, you make me feel so bad)

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best (it is so funky around here)
Take my body, give it the mind
To funk with the rest (I'm just funkin' and jumpin')
Hit me with the one and then (ooooover!)
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein (Yeah, we love you Dr. Funkenstein)

We love to funk you, Funkenstein
Your funk is the best
Take my body, give it the mind (yeah, take it!)
To funk with the rest (take it!)
Hit me with the one and then
If you like, hit me again
We love to Funk-a-stein

Out of the mouth of babes...

2008-10-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

This morning, my son, while going through our library, pulled out a copy of SCAR TISSUE by Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

He then proceeded to ask me who that was on the cover, I told him: "That's Anthony Kiedis." to which he quickly corrected me with: "No Mommy, that's HULK."

Isn't it enough to know that i ruined a pony making a gift for you...?

2008-10-20T19:54:00.002-04:00

Evil Genius + Half-Pony/Half-Monkey Monster = What Halloween Meant to Me.

Enjoy this song by Jonathan Coulton and please take a moment to check out his website by clicking on his NAME!

Jonathan Coulton - Skullcrusher Mountain

Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
I hope that you've enjoyed your stay so far
I see you've met my assistant Scarface
His appearance is quite disturbing
But I assure you he's harmless enough
He's a sweetheart, calls me master
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me

I'm so into you
But I'm way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I'm crazy
I'm not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn't kill you yet

I made this half-pony half-monkey monster to please you
But I get the feeling that you don't like it
What's with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don't like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

I'm so into you
But I'm way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I'm crazy
I'm not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn't kill you yet

Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the atmosphere
And all the fools who live their foolish lives may find it quite explosive
But it won't mean half as much to me if I don't have you here

You know it isn't easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain
Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
Would it kill you to be civil?
I've been patient, I've been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves
Hear them howling, my hungry children
Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think about me and you

I'm so into you
But I'm way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I'm crazy
I'm not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn't kill you yet
I shouldn't kill you yet
I shouldn't kill you yet

It puts the lotion in the basket...

2008-10-19T16:48:00.002-04:00

In continuing with the Disturbed Halloween'athon Music Devotion Hour theme, here's another great diddy. I've been listening to this song for years, and it never gets old. I'm a little sore that there still isn't an official video for this thing yet, so with that said, I'll use the best fan-film I was able to find.

Greenskeepers - Lotion

I'm looking down the hole
You're looking up at me
You're cold and tired
that is easy to see
Lower the rope to you
a bucket and a light
Your membrane will be soft and smooth
and your heart will be mine.

It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it gets the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it gets the hose again
Yes Precious, it gets the hose . . .

Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.
Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.

The look inside your eyes drives me from control
Evoking visions of my favorite casserole.
And if I eat your heart
I'll also bite your soul
And when I'm done with that
I'll use your skull as a bowl.

It rubs the lotion on its skin.
Or else it gets the hose again.
It rubs the lotion on its skin.
Or else it gets the hose again.
It gets the hose.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
Yes it does . . .
Put the lotion in the basket
Put the lotion in the basket . . .
Put the lotion in the basket . . .
. . . and it does.

Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.
Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.

The night is very cold
I'm feeling kind of weak.
I think I'll make myself a cap from your right buttock's cheek.
And then I will go walking with my little dog.
And then I'll bury you underneath the lawn.

It rubs the lotion on its skin.
Or else it gets the hose again.
It rubs the lotion on its skin.
Or else it gets the hose again.
Yes it does Precious..
It puts the lotion in the basket.
Bitch, put the lotion in the basket.
Ohh, put the lotion in the fucking basket
Bitch, put the lotion in the basket.

Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.
Wooooooo, oooh, oooh.

For more from Greenskeepers, you can check out their myspace page by clicking on the link.

Or is that Chthulhu fuh-TINE?

2008-10-16T20:56:00.005-04:00

Since Halloween is coming up, I thought it be only fitting to pay my respects to the holiday with songs that I feel best encompass the major themes of this holiday.

Enjoy!

HEY THERE CHTHULHU
lyrics copyright © 2008 by Eben Brooks and Allison Lonsdale

Hey there Chthulhu down there in your sunken city
You're a billion light-years distant and the stars look very pretty
From R'lyeh
So close and yet so far away. Ia Iay.

Chthulhu fuh-TAH-gun, or is that Chthulhu fuh-TINE?
I can never quite remember 'cause I'm not in my right minds
Since I met you
No one corrupts the way you do. You know it's true

(Chorus)
Oh, it's what you'll do to me
Oh, and all humanity
Oh, you'll rise up from the sea
Oh, kill everyone slowly
Except the one's like me

Hey there Chthulhu, I've been studying your gospel
The Necronomicon, it gives me nightmares something awful
Where I see
The death of all reality. It fills me with glee

So when the stars are right, you'll come and do your worst
But that's okay because I know you'll eat the cultists like me first
When you get here
I know that day is drawing near. I have no fear

(Chorus)

A billion light-years seems so far
Below the sea, beyond the stars
Of these humans' putrid souls you'll drink your fill
The fools will all make fun of me
But I'll just laugh maniacally
'Cause no one's ever suffered like they will
Chthulhu, I can promise you
That by the time this cult gets through
The world will never ever be the same!
Praise your dark name!

Phn'glui mglw'nafh Chthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn
Boy, that's really quite a mouthful, can't quite cram it in my noggin
Not today
I try to say it anyway
I feel my soul being to fray
Still I await that frabjous day
Chthulhu calay!

(Chorus)
Oh, kill everyone but me
Everyone but me

You can check out the Karaoke version HERE!

Stay posted for more great songs.

*Thanks to Pi Guy Will for sharing this with me.

A Message from Ringo Starr

2008-10-15T23:01:00.001-04:00

Do the burnin' bush...!

2008-10-15T20:30:00.003-04:00

Here's a little something I stumbled upon, and of course, I can only think of one person who might appreciate this as much as I do. So Pastor ~~Frank~~ Joe Awesome, this one's for you!

You can check out more from Barats & Bereta by clicking on the link!

Why you should hire a professional...

2008-10-10T22:46:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it's just better not to cut corners.

Click on the image to see the original website.

Thanks again to G.M.A.

Blonde Moment of the Day

2008-10-10T22:35:00.001-04:00

Today a customer came into the coffee shop wearing a suit jacket and a t-shirt that read:

Half Man
Half Horse

After examining the t-shirt for a moment, I looked at the gentleman and asked:

"Like a Centaur?"

Farewell, Offensive Odour!

2008-10-07T22:53:00.004-04:00

Garment Guard, the company responsible for the Under Arm Shield, has now come up with something a little less practical, but a whole hell of alot more amazing.

Disposable Gas Neutrilizers, aptly named Subtle Butt, the product is defined as: "Discreet antimicrobial carbon technology" What the product actually does is eliminate odour from your farts. That's right - farts.

The package comes with "5 saving graces" and boasts that once adhered to your underpants, you are ready for a chili cook-off.

I'd like to give this invention 9 chilli dogs out for 10 for originality and 5 whole Roof Raises because this company is run by women and it's products are invented by women.

Also, they have their own Youtube Page - how dope is that?

Behind Designer Rose-Tinted Glasses...

2008-10-07T20:06:00.005-04:00

I'm feeling nauseous... NO! Don't pass me the Pepto! I'm already overdosing as it is!

Pink.

It's everywhere. Pink.

It doesn't matter where you are, you will be bombarded by the colour.

It's called Breast Cancer Awareness. Maybe you've heard of it? If you haven't, you've certainly seen the tell-tale colour. It seems that now, expert marketing strategies include changing the colour of something and adding the word "Breast" to it.

It all started with the ribbon campaigns. Much like a Poppy on Remembrance Day, or a MADD ribbon on your car's antenna, different coloured ribbons started getting worn to show support for some sort of cause.

RED: AIDS Awareness
BLUE: Anti-Child Abuse, Anti-Smoking
YELLOW: Waiting the return of a Troop, Suicide Awareness, Testicular Cancer Awareness, Endometriosis Awareness
GREEN: Agriculture, Cannabis Liberation, Environmental Justice, Organ Donation, Celiac Disease, Bipolar Disorder (to name a few)

And the colour codes don't stop there! I'm not even going to get into the bullshit wrist band campaigns...

But I digress

PINK

It's making me insane in the membrane! It's everywhere, and not just on people's coats and cars. I saw a girl the other day with a pink ribbon tattoo on her wrist. A big one too! The Pink has become a fashion trend, so much so, that it's become clear that the corporate agenda is to get as much as they can from the debilitating disease.

Products are swamping store shelves with everything from articles of clothing, cooking appliances, food, make-up, beauty products, sporting goods, office supplies, frozen dinners, Barbies, yoga mats, body fat scales, vitamins, key chains, chap sticks, automatic toothbrushes, mobile phones, wines, vacuums, memory sticks, stuffed animals, Cruise Tours, M&M's, and it doesn't stop there...

Now giant automotive companies are creating "Special Edition" automobiles with the pink crest.

Ford, BMW, and Mercedes are some of the companies involved in this.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's a great cause to support. As far as Canadian Breast Cancer Statistics go, One in 9 women will develop breast cancer in their lives, and one in 28 will die from it. Not only that, in 2008, it is estimated that 170 men will develop Breast Cancer and 50 will die from it.

So clearly, this is an issue that hits close to home. But with the world wearing rose-tinted glasses, is it possible that we're forgetting about some of the lesser known, but equally as deadly illnesses?

Cancers, for example:
There's Lung Cancer - the leading cause of cancer among men and women.
Colorectal Cancer - the second leading cause of cancer among men and women.
Prostate Cancer
Ovarian Cancer
Cancer of the Thyroid
Cancer of the Stomach
Cancer of the Throat
Cancer of the Intestines
Of the liver
Of the kidneys
Of the mouth
Of the skin
Of the brain
Of the feet
Of the ears...
Basically, any where you have a body part, you could likely develop cancer from it.

So? Where's my merch? Where are all the ribbons for these cancers? I want Puce Green golf club cozies because I support Intestinal Cancer Awareness. What about a baby blue lap top carrier because I support Prostate Cancer Research? Who needs a pink ribbon bra, when they've got no breasts? I'm going for the brown ribbon certified lean cuisines, because lets face it: I'll always have an asshole.

Breast Cancer Research receives significantly more support than most of these other cancer researches combined. I'm not saying the cause isn't noble. I'm not saying it's inefficient to be aware and supportive. I just think that maybe we, as Consumers ~~Whores~~, have lost touch with what Cancer is all about: Shattered Spirits. Shattered Lives. Fear, and often times death.

Maybe we should stop colour coding our body's decline and focus more on making a change rather than selling change.

Some website to check out:
Think Before You Pink
Canadian Cancer Society

Knock, knock...

2008-09-22T17:36:00.005-04:00

Today I was serving a bacon and egg bagel to a customer. Here's the dialogue:

Me: "Here's your Bacon and Egg bagel."

Customer: "Um, I ordered Egg and Bacon actually."

Me: "... Okay."

(puts plate down and walks away)

The vilest of the vile.

2008-09-03T08:58:00.006-04:00

Bugs. House bugs in particular. We've all had them at some point. House flies, fruit flies, ants, spiders, wood bugs, and a plethora of other nasty little critters. I'm lucky enough to live in a old, damp, plaster-based apartment complex and so any bug problem my neighbours have, I have as well. What could possibly so vile that it would warrant itself a blog post?

Meet Scutigera coleoptrata or rather The House Centipede.

This vile creature is what haunts my days and nights. These insects can grow between 1 and 2 inches in length and have 15 pairs of legs. Legs they can remove from their bodies when faced with a predator (like a sticky trap, or my shoe). Something I didn't know, but just now became educated of is that these little bastards can run up to 16 inches per second. That's fucking disgusting. They're also excellent climbers which means there's a high likelihood that one could fall on your head from the ceiling at any given moment.

The greatest ass-hatty quality of these insects is that they have a life cycle of three to seven years. Which means if you've got these fuckers in your home, they're likely moving in for the long run. Oh and did I mention they're venomous? Now, before you get your panties in a twist, their venom is used to kill their prey (house bugs), and is harmless to animals and humans, just really, really painful. I can speak from experience that yes, their bite does sting like a muther'fucker. Why? Because one bit my face (just under my eyebrow) while I was sleeping. That means the fucker was on my face. Possibly near my mouth at some point.

It's really unfortunate that they look like some H.P. Lovecraft creation because they're really quite useful in controlling your other pest populous.

But for me personally, I've got an vendetta out on these little ass clowns.

Not only did one CHARGE AT ME, but after I killed it, it's little centipede ghost haunted my car's engine. Yeah, fer'serious.

But I digress - These things are nasty, and while I had to be the bearer of bad news, if you've got'em, you're not getting rid of'em. The solution?

Always wear your best stompin' shoes in the house.

And the medal goes to....

2008-09-03T07:42:00.004-04:00

If this is what actually happened at the Olympics,
I'd be more inclinded to watch.

Picture appears curtosy of Perezhilton.com...and by "curtosy" I mean to say I stole it.

Don't be afraid of change...

2008-09-02T22:26:00.001-04:00

So, as you may be noticing, I am fiddling with the layout of the site. Reason being is that I've had a number of people comment on how the black background with the light font is hard to focus on. Thus, I will, in the upcoming days, be fiddling with the template manager to try and make it a more retina-friendly page.

Please be patient.

-Ren

"In a World..."

2008-09-02T12:17:00.010-04:00

Don LaFontaine died on Monday at age 68.

You are all familiar with Mr.LaFontaine, though you might not be aware of it. He is best known as the Voice-Over Guy. LaFontaine's vocal talents have appeared in over 5,000 movie trailers and nearly 350,000 comericals!

Clearly his passing will affect us all. Rest in Peace Mr. Movie-Trailer-Guy.

Uh....just watch.

2008-09-02T08:40:00.005-04:00

We've all taken a moment to watch concert footage on Youtube. Youtube is actually a great resource for bootlegged, unofficial, or official concert footage. The only problem with Youtube is that 9 times out of 10 you're getting footage from some measly peasant, and not an actual company. The problem with this is that not only is it done by an amateur, these amateurs also like to fuck with the establishment and try out their Fancy editing skills. A great example of this would be something like what happened to G.M.A. last night. Deciding to check out some Buckethead footage, he stumbled across what should have been some footage of Buckethead performing the song Jordan (You should all recognize this song from Guitar Hero).

Here's the video.

Yeah - fer'serious.

And it wasn't until about 2:30 in that I realised that the dude singing seriously looks like a futuristic version of the Emcee from Cabaret.

Anyways, keep your eyes peeled for crazy shit like this.

The 'Unborns Victims' Bill Will Never See The Light of Day!

2008-08-26T08:39:00.004-04:00

I'm not usually a political person, and I try to keep my politics off this website, but as my BFF Feminist Catalyst pointed out, this is a MAJOR victory for Women's Rights.

Justice Minister Rob Nicholson announced Monday that the government will
draft a new bill to replace Bill C-484, the Unborn Victims of Crime Act, so that
it closes the debate about fetal rights and focuses instead on penalizing
criminals who harm pregnant women. (read more)

This was an issue I was actually involved with. From the sidelines, but that's still something! I'm sure Feminist Catalyst will be covering the news, so please take a moment and visit her site.

Some people...

2008-08-25T14:03:00.003-04:00

...Just really know how to cash in on those obscure talents.

Thanks to Neatorama for this!

Debbie Downer was a child once too

2008-08-22T19:29:00.003-04:00

This is a Ren-andthensome Original circa 1995. Broke my wrist whilst playing a stimulating game of Sumo Wrestlers with my cousin. Havoc broke out when I shattered my wrist after a blow to the face.
On a side note, check out the cat's tail.

Murphey's Law in Practice.

2008-08-16T11:47:00.007-04:00

I'm not really a superstitious person. Infact, I'm not spiritual, or into the metaphysical, occult, religious. Hell, I don't even really trust that we can spilt an atom. However, it's become pretty apparent that I am cursed.

Now, this isn't about me having a pity party or anything, I'm just trying to document and detail the events of the last few weeks.

Some call it 'karma', others - Cosmic Balance, Divine Intervention....

Me? I call it Murphey's Law.

If you are unfamiliar with the theory behind Murphey's Law, allow me to elaborate:

Murphey's Law is the theory that "If anything can go wrong, it will." We've all been there. We have all be subject to circumstances that fall under the Murphey's Law Credo.

Whether it be by dropping a slice of buttered toast, and it landing buttered side down. Or looking forward to a big date, and something coming up at the last minute. Actually, Alanis Morissette's Ironic details several examples of Murphey's Law in practice.

As for my bout with The Law, I will outline the fundamentals of the Crap'tacular week I've had.

My sisters mom died
I was unable to pay my respects on the one year anniversary of my bestfriend's suicide.
My breaks locked as I was going down an overpass and due to my steering wheel deciding not to turn, I crashed into a 28-year old muscle car.

I was boke so I ate nothing but mock chicken and cucumbers for the entire week.

Spent very little time with my son as he was staying with his father for the week.*

Dropped an A/C adapter on my foot and broke the middle toe on my left foot, and sprained the index toe.

As I was taking the garbage out with my son, he accidentally stepped on my broken toe, which resulted in the nail unhinging itself from my toe and cutting the tip of the toe. There was blood everywhere.

...Oh yeah, I also got my period at the end of it all.

Now, it's not all bad. I'm actually in really good spirits, and honestly, this whole thing is pretty fucking awesome in that it's so bizarre and uncanny that all of this could happen within 7 days.

So really, no small children died as a result of my week, and while my toe is disgusting and my white Suzuki Swift now has a red hood and looks way too patriotic for my liking, I'm actually feeling pretty awesome.

So, I guess the moral of this story is: The next time you think your life is in the shitter, and you think that there's no one anywhere that could possibly have it worse than you, remember:

I do.

*Liam's Dad, the notorious G.M.A. was awesome enough to encourage me to come over and see Liam as much as I wanted - so that was okay.

Not -just- for feminine hygene...

2008-08-13T23:06:00.005-04:00

Despite moden misconceptions and the mild scent of ass, Lysol spray is surprisingly effective in controlling the fruit fly populous in one's kitchen.

What women REALLY want.

2008-08-11T20:22:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Yv!l for this awesome'ness.

In the Death Cab.

2008-07-31T08:11:00.006-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is time once again to play: Break Down that Song!

This week, we will be taking at look at Death Cab for Cutie's single, I Will Possess your Heart.

Here we go:

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x2)

Hrm, so apparently this song is about a girl who doesn't like you "that way", but maybe given the chance she could warm up to you? Well, that's not so bad, but uh, don't force it, okay Buddy? Chicks don't like that.

There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart(x2)

Woah, okay now, Dude: this Peeping Tom business has got to stop. See, here I was thinking that you're the friend that is in love with his friend, but Jesus - Looking through that window ain't right. And I mean, what the caak? You just want her for the poonani, dont'cha? Duuude, common'! Cut the "lovers at last" crap. The'fuck - go buy her dinner first, sheesh!

I will possess your heart (x2)

See, I don't even need to spell this one out. But I will anyways. P-O-S-S-E-S-I-V-E! Look Oblivious Lady, you better cut this fucker loose before you look him in the eye at some point and he instantly thinks your the She-Ra to his He-Man...as incestual as that would be, but lets face it: This man is all shades of crazy.

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

WOAH! WOAH! WOAH NOW! Lady, get yo'self some mutha'fucking MASE! Fucker's gonna RAPE YO'ASS! NO MEANS NO, ASSHOLE! NO! MEANS! NO!

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x3)

I will possess your heart (x2)

...I, don't even know what to say. To get a better perspective, I decided to go ahead and watch the Official Video for this song.

It opens with some kind of weird, Lotion-on-its-skin backdrop, that quickly turns into some creepy, tuqued ~~Sex Offender~~ Band Mate, that seirously looks like Michael York, walking through this Plastic Wraped warehouse of sorts. You know, Law and Order SVU style.
Then we see a girl, just walking around, taking buses, subways, shit like that. But she's always looking behind her like someone's watching her. She's just walking alone, in a Big Chinese City that turns into Sweden or Greenland, that turns into the Lebanese consolate, that turns into India, and so forth... okay, bitch is Globe Trotting... Alone... Without any sort of company. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A STALKER?! Jesus. Pretty American girls get kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery EVERY DAY!
It's about 4:40mins in before other tuqued ~~offender~~ band mate starts singing.

Okay, so it's beginning to become clear to me that wherever this band is jamming, it is quite cold. Hence the tuques, oh, and freezer burnt ceilings... OMG! THEY'RE IN A MEATLOCKER!... there's no other explanation... unless that was actually Michael York, and this is actually a bonus feature in Logans Run.

Pfft, this video is completely unrealistic. If they were really that cold, their tuques would be covering their ears.

Okay, so for an 8:31 long video, nothing even happened. I feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. 10 because it took the time to fucking review this thing.

Guys, see, I actually like Death Cab. But Jesus-Christ! What the fuck, Ben? This song is completely unkosher. And it's the first single off the new Narrow Stairs album? Couldn't you have eased us into this? No... you had to get people singin' along before they realised that it's actually the inner monologue of the Night Stalker.

Some of us just have more talent in our pinky than...me.

2008-07-25T20:52:00.001-04:00

Gerry Phillips has been playing songs on his hands for the last 38 years. Who says practice doesn't make perfect?

Greatest Commercial Failure of ALL TIME!

2008-07-23T13:50:00.006-04:00

So yeah, yeah, yeah, been away, blah, blah, blah...moving on.

So, a while back I posted a GREAT Picture of the Day.

As stated, the sign belonged to a store here in our Nations Capital.

The store is called The Lil' Stool House. As indicated in my last post about this store, they don't only sell stools, but also other sitting apparatus' and floor coverings. Not only that, they're constantly dishing out a steaming dose of commercial failure.

The other day I was informed by, none other than Grand Master Awesome that there was yet another side-splitingly hilarious sign outside their store. So, this morning I decided to take a detour and head over to check it out. Being that I'm a woman, and completely oblivious to my surroundings when I'm behind the wheel of a car, I was unable to find said signage. So I pulled into their parking lot, trying to get a better look around, when I noticed this little claim on their door:

Completely satisfied with my discovery, I decided to head home. As I was leaving the parking lot, I noticed another large sign post. Hark! It was the sign G.M.A. had clued me on to! Allah be praised, my detour was not in vain.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you, the GREATEST sign in all of Ottawa...

BEHOLD!

Now with digestable Ketchup Center...

2008-07-15T09:13:00.001-04:00

...think about it

2008-07-01T10:27:00.000-04:00

Demotivational Posters by Demotivate Us!

I CHOOSE YOU!

2008-06-30T20:45:00.001-04:00

*Thanks Riley <3

Bigger the Better

2008-05-28T19:03:00.003-04:00

Great prank pulled off at Grand Central Station in New York. Enjoy as onlookers are puzzled as to what the hell is going on.

ATTENTION!!!!!

2008-05-25T19:29:00.002-04:00

COOLEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME AWARD!!!!!

I have thus decided that there is no cooler music video, EVER, than the following.

Keep your eye out for all your favourite YOUTUBE stars!

First Annual...

2008-05-25T14:00:00.004-04:00

Today is the first annual Remembering Coolio Day.

Coolio, ne Artis Leon Ivey, Jr. is best known for his artistic contribution to the early/mid-90's rap scene.

From his stealing from the blind to his bizzare and eccentric hair styles, Coolio single handedly brought rap parody into our vocabulary.

How? With none other than Weird Al's Amish Paradise.

You may remember this little diddy from Wierd Al's critically acclaimed 1996 album Bad Hair Day.

If you weren't singing along to this song at some point in the 90's, you were probably Living in an Amish Paradise.

If you're wondering what ever happened to Coolio, apart from making guest appearances on shows such as Celebrity Bootcamp, Beat the Geeks, and Celebrity Fear Factor, he also did the voice of Kwaanza-Bot on Futurama.

Curently he is hosting his own cooking show pod-cast called Cooking with Coolio for the network MyDamnChannel.

Let's Hear it for COOLIO!!!

Guilty Pleasure of the Week

2008-05-21T21:53:00.004-04:00

My Guilty Pleasure of the Week has got to be classic literature interpreted by Kate Bush and her sick dance moves.

Enjoy the theatrics.

*Edit: Sorry about the typo. I unfortunately have this disorder that makes me confuse my 'G's with 'Q's. DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!

And now for something completely different...

2008-05-19T13:50:00.002-04:00

A Public Services Announcement

Do you, or someone you know get little to no sleep everynight? Do you feel the insessent need to tell everyone you meet about the disgustingly low amount of sleep you get?

Well, from the makers of the Bug Vac comes:

The Nobody Be Givin' a Shit

Nobody gives a shit about how little sleep you got last night. No one cares if you reached REM sleep or not. The simple fact of the matter is that you're not cool just because you're an insomniac.

I'm sick and tired of people comparing the amount of sleep they got.

1:"Oh man - I'm sooo tired! I only got like, an hours sleep last night."
2:"Oh - you think you've got it bad. I've only had 2 minutes of sleep in the last 3 weeks."
Me:"Holy Fucking Christ - I don't give a shit."

You don't need to be comparing that shit. For serious. Nobody. Cares.

Let me borrow that top....

2008-04-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

Can you spot the Cho + Navarro?

Snap on...Snap off...

2008-04-20T08:23:00.002-04:00

Again, forgive me for being M.I.A. the past few ~~weeks~~ month.

Things have been le crazay, but as a result, I've got some wicked adventure videos coming up.

Just stay chill and tell your friends something wicked is coming, and to stay tuned.

All I have to say is: Renee does le ghetto.

That is all.

Don't wanna give you up...

2008-04-01T10:41:00.000-04:00

CLICK ON ME!!

Oh G.M.A....Oh You...