Holiday Songs - A Break Down pt.1
We all have the misfortune pleasure of being smothered with Christmas music as of November 1st. Every year, there are always new additions to the cornucopia of the public domain as well as a myriad of remakes from every corner of the sound barrier.
Every year, I try and sike myself into the Holiday Spirit by cranking up the holiday tunage. There are always the good songs that you rock out to with your cock out, and then there's the god awful, "why the hell are they on the radio, omg this doesn't accurately reflect my Holiday spirit what-so-ever" songs.
My ouate de phoque songs of 2007 is:
To really give y'all an idea as to why I hate this song, I will break each line of the song and point out what is wrong with it.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
So, the song is evidently sung by a grandchild who's talking about how his Grandmother apparently died of a reindeer attack. According to the chorus, his Grandmother's horrific death has reinstated his belief in St.Nick and perhaps the child is unable to cope with the horrific death of his grandmother, and thus has created a fantasy explanation in his mind.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
Okay, so Grandma must've been one angry drunk for her family to not have been able to overpower her drunk'self out the front door. But I mean, if even the grandchildren were aware of the fact that Grammy weren't on her damn pills, why the hell were the parents letting Nana drink herself into a stupor?!
When they found her Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Wow... so, it's looking almost like Omah got raped and left for dead in the chill of the cool christmas' eve. "Hoof prints", "pistol whip marks"... "tomato", "tomatoh". The clever play on words with "Claus" really just indicates that it was the old ditch n' switch.
{chorus}
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
My interpretation of this line really goes so far as to think maybe Grandpa had something to do with it. I mean, honestly, why didn't Grampy go after the old crone? Where the hell was he? Was he even at the festivities where Gramma lushed it up? I'd like to hear HIS alibi. You can really tell he's heart-broken over the fact that his wife just got brutally attacked and left for dead. Not to mention they FOUND her lifeless corpse on Christmas day. And what's ol'Popa doin'? Watching the good ol' Christmas football game (eh?), getting plastered and gambling with another family member who seems even less perturbed by Grandmama's death. I'm curious though, is "Cousin Belle" even their real cousin, or is that what they're calling her because she looks so young? OR, perhaps they be one of those cousin-lovin' families... yeah, you know the ones.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
I'm sure she would have wanted you to have them. In fact, I bet you that Grams Bear's final thought while she was getting reamed up her holly jolly corn-hole was "I sure hope the kiddies get their Bratz dolls". OUATE DE PHOQUE!? Why the hell is this child concerned with presents? A family in mourning would really peg me as more of an issue than the presents.
{chorus}
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
*sigh* This line is fucking useless filler. Pig Pudding just sounds fucking sick. This family ain't right. Who the hell eats pig pudding? How do you even make pudding out of a pig?! That shit don't blend! And yeah, that's just fucking great, poor Nan was undergoing fucking CHEMO!
I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Men like THAT have their names and whereabouts registered on websites.
{chorus}
Okay, so it almost seems like Grandad either fucking hated dear old Granny, or he wanted some cold hard insurance pay off.
This is like, the most fucking dysfunctional family EVER not to mention the worst possible "get you into the mood" Christmas song.
"Oh, heh, it's got the word 'Reindeer' in it! That means it's appropriate"
THINK AGAIN!
Listen carefully to your x-mas tunes, my friends.
One minute you're knocking backed spiked egg nogs and the next thing you know you're getting your face pushed into some dirty snow while a crazy psychopath in a red suit is eating out your ass hole while his inter-species erotica partner is plowing you in the face with his hooves because he has a foot fetish.
The Moral of the Story:
...take your medication.
Every year, I try and sike myself into the Holiday Spirit by cranking up the holiday tunage. There are always the good songs that you rock out to with your cock out, and then there's the god awful, "why the hell are they on the radio, omg this doesn't accurately reflect my Holiday spirit what-so-ever" songs.
My ouate de phoque songs of 2007 is:
Grandma got Ran Over by a Reindeer.
To really give y'all an idea as to why I hate this song, I will break each line of the song and point out what is wrong with it.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
So, the song is evidently sung by a grandchild who's talking about how his Grandmother apparently died of a reindeer attack. According to the chorus, his Grandmother's horrific death has reinstated his belief in St.Nick and perhaps the child is unable to cope with the horrific death of his grandmother, and thus has created a fantasy explanation in his mind.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
Okay, so Grandma must've been one angry drunk for her family to not have been able to overpower her drunk'self out the front door. But I mean, if even the grandchildren were aware of the fact that Grammy weren't on her damn pills, why the hell were the parents letting Nana drink herself into a stupor?!
When they found her Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Wow... so, it's looking almost like Omah got raped and left for dead in the chill of the cool christmas' eve. "Hoof prints", "pistol whip marks"... "tomato", "tomatoh". The clever play on words with "Claus" really just indicates that it was the old ditch n' switch.
{chorus}
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
My interpretation of this line really goes so far as to think maybe Grandpa had something to do with it. I mean, honestly, why didn't Grampy go after the old crone? Where the hell was he? Was he even at the festivities where Gramma lushed it up? I'd like to hear HIS alibi. You can really tell he's heart-broken over the fact that his wife just got brutally attacked and left for dead. Not to mention they FOUND her lifeless corpse on Christmas day. And what's ol'Popa doin'? Watching the good ol' Christmas football game (eh?), getting plastered and gambling with another family member who seems even less perturbed by Grandmama's death. I'm curious though, is "Cousin Belle" even their real cousin, or is that what they're calling her because she looks so young? OR, perhaps they be one of those cousin-lovin' families... yeah, you know the ones.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
I'm sure she would have wanted you to have them. In fact, I bet you that Grams Bear's final thought while she was getting reamed up her holly jolly corn-hole was "I sure hope the kiddies get their Bratz dolls". OUATE DE PHOQUE!? Why the hell is this child concerned with presents? A family in mourning would really peg me as more of an issue than the presents.
{chorus}
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
*sigh* This line is fucking useless filler. Pig Pudding just sounds fucking sick. This family ain't right. Who the hell eats pig pudding? How do you even make pudding out of a pig?! That shit don't blend! And yeah, that's just fucking great, poor Nan was undergoing fucking CHEMO!
I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Men like THAT have their names and whereabouts registered on websites.
{chorus}
Okay, so it almost seems like Grandad either fucking hated dear old Granny, or he wanted some cold hard insurance pay off.
This is like, the most fucking dysfunctional family EVER not to mention the worst possible "get you into the mood" Christmas song.
"Oh, heh, it's got the word 'Reindeer' in it! That means it's appropriate"
THINK AGAIN!
Listen carefully to your x-mas tunes, my friends.
One minute you're knocking backed spiked egg nogs and the next thing you know you're getting your face pushed into some dirty snow while a crazy psychopath in a red suit is eating out your ass hole while his inter-species erotica partner is plowing you in the face with his hooves because he has a foot fetish.
The Moral of the Story:
...take your medication.
Comments
I do remember old Gran Gran (in the movie, yes, movie) being alive and in the hospital. But of course, this was a made for children movie, so all the graphic content was edited, I'm sure.
Good one though, made me laugh.
-Pi-
I used to love this song. But I'm also from a town that has a song about "The girls are playing bingo and the guys are getting stinko and we think no more of Inco on a Sudbury saturday night" so judge me all you want.