It only takes once...

It's time once again to play "Break down that song!"

Today on the chopping block is "All I want to do (is make love to you)" by HEART.

For those of you who know me, you know that HEART is my favourite band of ALL TIME. Seriously. They are the greatest. But that doesn't mean that Ann and Nancy Wilson were immune to the shitacularness of what was the 1980's. For that brief but nightmarish decade, the girls sported giant hair and pumped out some GREAT, Essentials Collection hits. Among those hits was a little diddy called "All I want to do". Cheese at it's most aged, this song is a ballad of a romanticised one-night-stand. It wasn't until today that I really took a good, hard listen to the lyrics of this song...let's take a walk, shall we?

All they want to do bump your junk...
ALL I WANT TO DO (IS MAKE LOVE TO YOU
BY: HEART

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

So, apparently the 80's were a safer time for women. A time when it was okay to pick up a vagrant on the side of the road. A SOAKED vagrant at that. Never mind whether he was a hitch-hiker or not, where the hell is his umbrella? I'm sorry if your heart is too big for your chest there Ann, but just in case, maybe you should have the pepper spray ready.

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight
Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night

Okay, did you just pick up a boy on the side of the road? Where are his parents? Okay, for my own benefit, I'm going to assume she means "young man" because I don't even want to touch on Cradle Robbing today.
By the way Ann, you have a little something there on your face, looks like desperation. Why are you asking him to spend the night? Didn't you two just meet? You've only been driving for a 'while' there, Ann. Maybe you should stop for some coffee or something before you let him bone you.

CHORUS:
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to

It's because she's saying "Make Love" rather than "Bump Junk" or "Do the Nasty" that this song is acceptable. Also, how do we know he's not a hobo? With the exception of empty box cars, where do we typically find hobos? That's right, soup kitchens on the side of the road. And Ann, to be fair, of course he wants you too. He is a man after all... Ladies?

So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note

Jesus, Ann! Are you telling us that you pick up Nomads on a REGULAR BASIS? You know the hotel well? You better work there, Jesus. Thank God he was good in bed though, or it might have been a waste.

...wait, you left him a note? You offered him a ride and then DITCHED him at some hotel? Well, at least you know where he is...

I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there

Hrm... cryptic much? This almost seems like you have something to hide, Ann. And why are you talking in metaphors? Why couldn't you just have said something like: "Thanks for the kicks, bus tickets are on the table."? At least a memory is all he left you with...

CHORUS

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love

*ahem* it's because you ARE strangers...

Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can

HOLD UP!! Ann, either you stole the man's eye balls or... DID YOU HAVE HIS KID?!! Ann! Are you trying to tell me that you had UNPROTECTED SEX with a HOBO during the 1980's?! Am I the only one who remembers the AIDS CRISIS?! And MY GOD, Ann! Please don't tell me your kid knows that his father is some soaked hitch-hiker you picked up in the middle of the night so that you could get knocked up because YOUR ACTUAL MAN has lazy sperm. Apparently, in the 80's, fertilization treatments weren't readily available and Melissa Ethridge wasn't sharing the wealth.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too

CHORUS REP.

All night long ...

So, wow, ok... I sort of just ruined this song for me, but to be fair, it's a little fucked up. Clearly Ann and Nancy Wilson are NOT the greatest role models. This song is clearly an example of the stress they were under to conform to the 80's and leave behind their ROCK N' ROLL ideals - I'm not going to hold them responsible for this atrocity.




I'll be honest, this is almost EXACTLY how I imagined the video would be - I'm glad I wasn't disappointed. While the song was apparently released in 1990, I'm still going to blame the 80's... it's just easier to stomach that way. What are the odds the guy that you dropped off at a hotel 3 years ago is WORKING there now? And how could it be, that at a hotel that you 'knew so well', you didn't know he was working there? Did you just never go back? Did you lose all interest in it after you got that ++ ? Oh, and just to get a word in edgewise, looks like all Nancy wants to do is shag her guitar...bad form, Hollywood. Again, I'm NOT going to blame HEART for this, because I'd like to believe they had little creative control over their music videos...and their wardrobe.