I can't believe the news today

I can't close my eyes and make it go away...*

Bono, the next time The Edge tells you you need to be more "edgy", maybe you should refrain from asking Billie Joe Armstrong for make-up tips, m'kay?

*NOTE: April 2009 cover of Spin Magazine.

HAPPY SHANNON TWEED DAY!!!

Happy 1st Annual Unofficial Shannon Tweed Day!!!
Worth Celebrating
While attending a court hearing, Ottawa City Mayor Larry O'Brian was out and acting Mayor Doug Thompson was in. During his reign, the Mayor in Action planned to declare July 15th as Shannon Tweed Day in accordance with her visit to Ottawa with partner Gene Simmons and his band KISS. Encouraging us to party ev-er-y day since 1972

Unfortunately city councilors snubbed the idea as official holidays are reserved for long standing citizens and people who have made significant contributions to the community.

According to reports, Ms.Simmons Tweed was not offended by the snub and took it all with a grain of salt. While Shannon is a Canadian native and did live in Ottawa for several years, she is now an American Citizen as most of her body parts are from across the border.

Acme

Despite the Day not becoming an official holiday, the citizens of Ottawa, myself included, have definitely taken it upon themselves to celebrate the day.

Happy 1st Annual Unofficial Shannon Tweed Day!!!

Bang Bang!

Recently, upon visiting The Pirate Bay.Org, I decided to randomly do a search of indie bands and see what came up. One that caught my attention was a band called The Noisettes. I downloaded picked up the album and gave it a listen.

Pronounced NOISEttes, this trio will easily be one of the biggest bands of 2009. Already having 3 hit singles in the UK in 2009, the band is continuing to tour world wide.

The best way to describe The NOISEttes would be if Rihanna and Amy Winehouse had a baby that wasn't a crack-head alcoholic, or the victim of domestic abuse, and then that baby was injected with Karen O's stem cells and struck by lightning, and then artificially inseminated by Zeus - it would birth this band in a manger with The Supremes watching on as acting Wisemyn.

Rich, vibrant and eccentric tones, it's difficult not to listen to their 2009 album, Wild Young Hearts over and over and over.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It seems Google beat me to it, so allow me to extend my congrats to one Nikola Tesla - a scientist known for his magnetic personality and electrifying wit.
haw,haw,haw...

Nikola Tesla (10 July 1856 – 7 January 1943) was a Serbian-American inventor and electrical engineer. Tesla was born in the village of Smiljan, Vojna Krajina, in the territory of today's Croatia, having been a subject of the Austrian Empire before becoming an American citizen[2]. He is frequently cited as one of the most important contributors to the birth of commercial electricity, a man who, proverbially, "shed light over the face of Earth".[3] He is best known for many revolutionary contributions in the field of electricity and magnetism in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Tesla's patents and theoretical work formed the basis of modern alternating current (AC) electric power systems, including the polyphase power distribution systems and the AC motor, with which he helped usher in the Second Industrial Revolution.(...)

Having worked with tesla coils in the past, I can easily say, from one Mad Scientist to another that Tesla is the man. The guy invented a device that not only harnesses electro magnetic energy, but also scares children everywhere. Not only that, he was played by David Bowie in The Prestige - how's that for kick-assery?

Time may change Tesla, but he can't trace time...but apparently he can travel it

Thank YOU Mr. Tesla. I'm sure wherever you are, you're continuing to shock and amazing.



“Let the future tell the truth, and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine.” - Nikola Tesla

HUMILITY: Try it on for size

My father is a basin of wisdom. He once assured my brother and I, after undergoing one hell of a root canal, that his final words to us would forever be: "Floss."
He's taught me many a truth about the world, and truths about myself. One of his crucial points of fatherly savvy was bestowed upon me after discovering me with a boy and telling me afterwards that I should try and "Put a sock in it".
Those words stuck with me to this day, and I couldn't help but be reminded of my father and his philosophies on life upon reading this article:

Man beaten after teens misinterpret sex screams
By The Associated Press

TORRINGTON, Connecticut - A group of teenagers misunderstood a woman's screams during sex and, thinking they were stopping an assault, beat a 25-year-old man in her bedroom, police said. (...)

According to the report, the screams of pleasure resonating from the 34-year old Cougar in question prompted a 16 year old girl living with the presumed-MILF to the act of vigilantism when she put together a lynch-mob to help save the day.

Just here to save you from yourself.
4 out of the 5 teens responsible for the attack have since been arrested. According to police the man was treated for non-life threatening injuries after he was attacked by one teen with a baseball bat while being punched by the others. Apparently the teens were of the notion that "Act now, ask questions later" would be the best approach to resolving this issue, and neglected to give the man a chance to explain.

While the girls relationship to the woman is unclear, what remains most baffling is what kind of person in their right mind generates sounds of terror and pain that might prompt people within earshot to assume they were being attacked rather than being boned. What also remains unclear is why, upon barging in on the baby-making, the teens presumed the nudity equated to a brutal attack rather than love-making. Presumably it had something to do with her Banshee Wails, and nothing to do with the scratch marks on his back.
The look...of love.

It's at moments like these, moments of sheer and utter embarrassment that we must look into ourselves with a forced humility, remind ourselves to calmly Put a sock in it...

We're here! We're Queer! We're with... The Liberal Party?

Maybe I'm just brain dead when it comes to Canadian Politics - to be honest, whichever party embraces socialism and silly-hats only, I'll likely vote for. Not only that, I've yet to find a party that embraces all of my core values.

One thing I support heartily are LGBT rights, and the rights to marriage therein. I don't see many politicians paying too much mind to the LGBT discussion - it's almost like they're thinking "Let's just give them what they want and pretend it doesn't exist." Canadians are diplomatic by nature, but prefer to pay no mind rather than speak up.

This past weekend was one of the most successful celebrations, albeit one of the biggest of it's kind in the world: The Pride Parade in Toronto, Ontario. The celebration of the year, one that has become an institution rather than just an event. About 5 years ago, I got to bare witness to the celebration - it completely blew my mind.

Being that I've yet to make it back to the celebration, I take a moment each year to check out articles, highlights and photos from the event. I love seeing all the colours, plumage, nudity, support of the community and mostly, the LOVE! This year, while trolling through the photos, I noticed something I wasn't expecting: Liberal Party Leader Michael Ignatieff out on the prowl showing his support.




This is news to me as I, like I said, am completely off the mark when it comes to Canadian Politics. I mean, I know each party say they support LGBT rights/right to civil union, but I don't know many leaders that actually get there and support the cause with their presence.

As far as I know, no other major political party leaders were present for the march. However, according to the Pride Website, there are some important people scheduled to attend the Pride Toronto's 5th Annual Awards and Gala. These appearances include:

Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty; Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath; Ontario Education Minister Kathleen Wynne; City of Toronto Councilor Kyle Rae (Toronto Centre-Rosedale); Dr. Carolyn Bennett (Member of Parliament, St. Paul's) & City of Toronto Councilor Adam Giambrone (Davenport); Sara Diamond (President, OCAD); Mathieu Chantelois (Chair, The 519). (...)

Also, for those of you aren't aware, President Barack Obama recently named June as LGBT Pride Month - which is super awesome cool.

Hard Gay thinks LGTB Pride RULES - Kawaii!!
Anyhoo...I doubt I'll ever vote Liberal in my life time - frankly, they just don't have enough pizazz for my tastes. But I want to give a big ol'kudos out to Mr. Ignatieff - if I could, I'd present you with a big gay erect golden penis award.

Presented to: Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff for dedication in the art of kicking asses and taking names.

...NO AND THEN!

It's time once more for our favourite activity: BREAK DOWN THAT SONG!

Today on the docket is Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event.

From the first time I heard this song, it really just rubbed me the wrong way. It was featured on the Indie Spotlight on a local radio station here in Ottawa. The DJ opened with the fact that the band and it's album weren't getting great reviews and that every reviewer was probably a fucking moron not to like it. So, of course being impressionable as I am, I immediately decided I was going to love this song...until I heard it.

One thought rang through my mind as I listened to this song and it was "NO AND THEN!"



"...and theeeeeeeen?"

This song is another classic example of Every.Fucking.'Artiste'. that I went to highschool with and the result of them putting together a backup band and of course, shitty writing immediately means nega.points. I had high hopes for this band. I honestly tried to like this song. What's most unfortunate is that the rest of their stuff is tolerable. When they're not trying to to be mega depressing, they're quite the party band but it's almost like they're trying to be The Arcade Fire. So of course when you're trying to live up to that hyper talented sibling, you're bound to get quite a few 'E's for 'Effort'. I just think you're either naturally pathetic and thus poetic, or you're a party band. So, I'm sorry Airbourne, but you're getting broken down...

Aaaaaand here'a we go!

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

Okay - so this isn't so bad. It rhymes kinda and it sets the scene. The guy is getting drunk. Isn't it convenient that the band is playing a song that fits your mood so poetically? We also see that he's seeing a girl that I guess he dated at some point? Maybe he slept with her... either way, she's got a dress...that is all.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

Alright, so I guess that they dated or at the very least slept together at some point...that or the man's got an obsession. This man definitely digs the visualization, but what 'artiste' doesn't?

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Tonic? Wine? Are you at a Gentleman's Club? Drink a fucking BEER, Casa Nova!

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

This is the part that bugs me the most. Perhaps it's the misuse of conjunctions, perhaps with the addition of the friend's chiming in... but honestly, I think any English Teacher would tear this song apart. There's so little structure, though it's aching to make sense. Listen man - This girl is a fucking TEASE! That, or she's a prostitute... just let it go man, let it go.

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

Omg... can you all just say this with me, already? NO AND THEN!!!! This is really trying my patience...Then, but, so...you could just take these out, and I'd be happy, and your song would be almost like, 3x better than it is right now...

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Okay - so reading these lyrics, not the worst task in the world, right? You NEED to listen to the song. It's just so.fucking.repetitive. The entire thing is a bunch of run on sentences and misuse of conjunctions. Actually, I took the liberty of highlighting each misuse in red... I'm a Grammar Nazi, gofuckyerselves.
Anyways, the lyrics, not that bad - might make a nice book. I heard on the radio this morning once I heard this little diddy for the umpteenth time that the initial concept for this song was for a book, but the lead singer decided "Why not put it to music instead?" - I'll tell you why... you can put a book down, Muchacho. Turning the radio off and on to avoid this shitola of a song is really a hassle. There are rules to writing - books, poems, songs, etc. FOLLOW THE GAWDAMN RULES! Geh. Enh. Beh. Meh.

This song just makes me so angry, but I do it to myself, y'know?

For the record, The Airborne Toxic Event is a band out of Los Angeles. Fronted by Mikel Jollet (who, btw suffers from two minor disease which affect the way he looks, so automatically I'm now a bad person for not liking this band) who started the band in 2006 after decided to not write the book he was working on but rather compose an album all based on his life experiences.
Sometimes you just don't quit your day job.

There's quite a few videos for this song on youtube, but the majority are have the embedding disabled. It's almost like they made a bunch of different videos so they could see which was the most pretentious arty. So here's what I was able to get:



I implore you all to really just, give in to the haze of the wine, or whatever...

He's got some work to do, now...

I wish I could blame being a parent on the fact that I watch cartoons. But really, I have no excuse. I love good cartoons; always have. Often times, it's a battle between my son and I over what to watch. Him, fascinated with the brightest, sing-songiest 3D marvel to entice his internal interpretive dancer, and myself desperate to watch anything with some underlying adult humor, battles usually rage and I usually bend to my little boy because lets face it: the kid could shatter glass with his range if he wanted to.

That being said, there are alot of things the two of us enjoy. For example, we both can get behind anything Hanna-Barbara of H-B-inspired. I'm a Space Ghost/Jetson's fan, my son: Rocket Robin Hood, Flinstones and of course, Scooby-Doo.

But being that I am much older and awesomer wiser than my 4 year old, I notice things that he might not be privy to - much like the Adult Humor I missed as a child in such classics as The Animaniacs or Bugs Bunny, I pay close attention to the character development of each cartoon hero, villain and animal.

More specifically, characters like Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo is THE SMARTEST DOG IN THE WORLD.

This bipedal pooch is a fucking MODERN MIRACLE. The dog can and DOES do anything!

Not only does he walk upright, a daring feat for even some humans, he can do things that most people can't do!

On the weekend, I saw Scooby Doo light a match with his hand paw! WITH HIS MOTHER-LOVING PAW! ONE-HANDED MATCH LIGHT. How many people can do that? Aside from cow boys, rough riders, and possibly The Pope, not alot.
And that's what got me over-analyzing thinking about this whole situation. I mean, why hasn't he been scooped up and put into a lab yet? I mean the dog fucking TALKS fer'christsakes. My Grandmother used to have a dog that could say "Dehors" when it wanted to go out, not a small feat for a dog, but I mean, Scooby-Doo can form coherent, albeit speech impeded sentences and is a valuable member of Mystery Inc. Infact, if it weren't for his impeccable knack for sniffing out thief's, bandits and other mooks, not to mention being a Master of Disguise, I doubt the rest of the brain-dead crew* would even know where to begin. There must be something going on with his DNA - Look at Scrappy-Doo? The pup is FAR more coherent than Scoob; he'll likely get a Nobel prize when he's full grown... Why aren't the cartoon scientists trying to map their genomes and cure alzeimers or that disease that turns your skin into wood or something?

This dog can drive. He can use cutlery - even though he's a DOG and has absolutely no use for it. He can do up buttons - an exercise my 4 year old has yet to conquer. He can mountain climb. He can parasail. He can sing and play instruments. He can use a computer. He met Batman! He has an eating disorder - JUST LIKE PEOPLE!! But more importantly, Scooby Doo can love...

I think it's fair to say that Scooby Doo is more than just an animated Marmaduke, he's a bit of a symbol. The perpetual 7 year old is a symbol to canines everywhere to extend far past the conformity's society has placed on them and to reach for the stars. To try things they might not otherwise try. To experience addictions they might not otherwise experience. To become functioning members of society much like the German Sheppard or Seeing Eye Dog.

Scooby-Doo is going to be 40 years young this year, and he's still going strong with youngsters everywhere. I think we should all just accept him as a world leader already.




*With the exception of Velma...and possibly Scrappy-Doo

They don't make things like they used to...

A couple of years ago, I learnt about something called the "RealDoll".

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the RealDoll, what it is, is a life-sized doll used primarily in conjunction with sexual gratification (ie: quiet lady to masturbate in). Defined as "The World's Greatest Love Doll", it has a poseable PVC skeleton with steel joints and silicone flesh, not to mention that it is anatomically correct in practically every way. Running upwards around $5000 + a doll, the purchasing of a RealDoll is a real testament to the type of character possessed by the owner. Often times, when the owner isn't busy scraping old semen out of the doll's orifices with a spatula, the owner of a RealDoll might form a special bond, or even refer to the doll as their "girlfriend" or "partner" and pursue active relationship with their doll. The concept of a RealDoll has made it into popular culture by way of numerous pieces of literature on the subject, as well as documentaries and movies such as Lars and the Real Girl starring Academy Award Winner: Ryan Gosling.

RealDolls, and the men who love them...
Today, I learnt of a new trend that's arising along the same lines as the RealDoll, it's called Reborn Dolls. What they are, are silicone babies, made to look like infants...almost too much like infants.

These dolls are each handmade and generally take at least a week to produce. The dolls are so lifelike, that they're hard not to love. The Reborns are subject to "adoption" rather than mere purchase and often times can be made to exact specification.

In the Adoption Gallery, you can see the many faces of different Reborns that have found happy homes. Some with giant eyes that are strictly comical, to a baby orangutans, to many sleeping faces that are eerily life-like, it's hard not to pick a favorite. Mine, Baby Lauren:

Ingredients: Sugar, Spice, and Silicone.
While a Reborn can be a great way to elevate the stress from a long day at work, or recreate the memories of a lost infant, like any hobby, can turn into an addiction. And much like the collecting of human body parts, a home full of life-like infants in a permanent state of sleep or deer-in-headlights look, is fucking creepy.

If she doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will...

A 23-year old woman from Muskogee, Oklahoma is in jail for killing a puppy and skinning it with the intent of making a belt out of it's hide.

According to reports, Krystal Lynn Lewis wanted the puppy dead as it was a gift from an ex-female lover with whom she did not get along. Austin Michael Mullins, age 26 apparently shot the puppy 10 times with a .22 calibre pistol - because why smother a puppy when you can shoot it to death? After the shooting, Lewis then skinned the Russell Terrier and then nailed it's hide to a board in her apartment.

The Ed Gein enthusiasts have since been charged with one felony count of cruelty to animals. The judge also ordered a mental competency exam for the woman.

While the wearing of animal pelts is generally reserved for the rich and glamorous, it's unclear why a regular Southerner would have any interest in wearing a Jack Russell Terrier (Besides the obvious, crazy reasons)

Reserved.

The bloodbath procurement of skins is often kept to animals with interesting pelts, such as leopards, zebras, foxes, and Dalmatians. The pelt of the Jack Russell Terrier is, as most Southerners know, excellent for the fashioning of many different garments.

Though, not the most fabulous of pelts, the Jack Russell Terrier is a necessary staple in the wardrobes of jilted lesbians everywhere.