Bat Out of Hell Pt.III: Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!!

So finally we come to our conclusion in the 3 part epic that is Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell. If you know anything about Meatloaf, you know that he is an Adonis; a perfect specimen of manliness. Not only that, he's a gentleman and a scholar. What most people don't realise is that 'Bat Out of Hell' is really just a metaphor for his love of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. What's important to remember here is not the crude, epic badassery that he exudes during his rock operas, nasty licks, or his gluttony, but rather his constant goal of improving the lives of women everywhere by bestowing unto them the true meaning of Christmas - a tiny loaf of their own.

Like Johnny Appleseed, Meatloaf roams the post-apocalyptic country side, seeking out the doomed and unfortunate women of deserted Thunderdome Capital. His svelte physique and rugged handsomeness render him most irresistible and it is then, after his presence is known to the women of the gutter, that he makes his move on those most deserving of his love, and his engine's hunger. After he strikes, he feasts on the disgusting refuse that is their lives, ridding them of the certain doom that is their impoverished sorrow, leaving in his wake a sunrise, and a new lease on life.

Hero.

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, without any further delay, I share with you the conclusion to our three part epic BDTS, the final chapter:

Bat Out of Hell Pt. 3: Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!!


I can see myself tearing up the road
Faster than any other boy has ever gone
And my skin is raw but my soul is ripe
And no one's gonna stop me now
I gotta make my escape
But I can't stop thinking of you
And I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late
And I never see the sudden curve till it's way too late

Weeeeeelll fuck! Be careful what you wish for!! Man, as if he just nicked the curb like that! Guh, pay attention man!! Oh, and of course this was probably before helmets... Because hay! If you can survive the apocalypse, why even bother with protective head gear. Man! Now he's never going to see his little meatloaf muffin! Oh the injustice!!! He was probably just on his way to end things with his other family, and then WHAM! Out of nowhere, a curb. Cruel fate, or what?

Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning' bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Oh breaking out of my body
And flying away
Like a bat out of hell
Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Still beating
Oh breaking out of my body and flying away
Like a bat out of hell (rep.)

......WOAH!!!!!! TALK ABOUT BAD ASS!! THAT WAS THE MOST METAL DEATH OF ALL TIME!!!! Meatloaf doesn't take death like a pussy! The guy fucking OWNS death! He's like "If I'm going down, I'm taking BAD MOTHERFUCKING ADJECTIVES WITH ME, YOU COCKSUCKER!!" And then he PUNCHES Death in his big stupid FACE!

Ohhh Shit!

Oh, oh man that was tight. The last thing he saw was his heart STILL BEATING - which means his chest BLEW OPEN during the crash, and he was able to see that thing still pumping blood through his body!! So, most epic death ever, or the guy is having an out of body experience in the operating room of his triple bypass. Either way, nobody, in the history of music, has written a death rattle like this. This last verse makes up for the entire rest of the song. The chauvinism, the misogyny, the over eating and drug abuse. -THIS- folks is la crème de la crème!

BDTS - Bat Out of Hell pt. II - Meatloaf goes James Dean on a Lost Highway

Okay, so what we learnt in Pt.I of Bat Out of Hell, is that Meatloaf, in another valiant effort to secure some booty, is planning a dine and dash as soon as Princess passes out from the sheer AWESOME that is Meatloaf's lovemaking. That said, he's also currently living in what can only be described as the Thunderdome, and is hitting the trail in search of greener pastures.

In part II of Bat Out of Hell, we will be examining his journey to this Utopia he is so desperate to reach.

You better be asleep at the crack of dawn, because he's outta here...

Bat Out of Hell - Pt.II Meatloaf goes 'James Dean' on a Lost Highway

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we're all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothings ever worth the cost

Is it just me, or does this entire verse feel like a euphemism? With the exception of the 'rotting old hole' comment, this entire part is kind of romantic, and sexy!

His engine is hungry...ladies
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out
And maybe I'm damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I'd rather be damned with you
Well, If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you

Okay, just wait a goshdarnedsecond! Meatloaf!! WTF, MAN!? Okay, first you're telling this poor girl you're going to love her and leave her right smack dab in the fucking THUNDERDOME, and now, what? You can't live without her? Pfft, RED FLAG, LADIES!! Put a nickle between your knees and scurry! MEATLOAF IS ON THE PROWL!!!

Oh Baby, you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There's always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it's over you know
We'll both be so alone

Pfft, what an asshole. He wants virgins. This is what this whole thing is about. He wants to taint the poor girl. 'Making it' for one night isn't worth it, girl!! WRAP IT BEFORE YOU TAP IT!!! Last thing you need is a chubby, sweaty baby growin' up on the set of The fucking WARRIORS, denying rabies shots to children in the gutter, just like his daddy!

Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And moonlight's shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I'll come crawling on back to you
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
I'll come crawling on back to you

Okay, wait. Is meatloaf a VAMPIRE? Maybe he's a shitty vampire - that's probably where he got his name. Man - I wish this song didn't rule soooo much. SHAME on you, Meatloaf! SHAME! You want to try freedom on for size, and what? Get some more poor virgins pregnant? N'uh-uh, Buster. I hope you DIE! I hope you fucking crash your motorcycle, and die in a gutter, foaming at the mouth like that poor kid you let suffer through lock-jaw died! You're a jerk. Go eat a cheese burger and DIE!

BDTS - Bat Out of Hell Pt.I Meatloaf and the Thunderdome

So, despite my sick lusting after one Marvin Lee Aday, I can't help but pursue action against the lyrics to Bat Out of Hell. Now, before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record that Bat Out of Hell is my favourite Meatloaf song of all time, but it doesn't mean that the song itself isn't ridiculous.
Unfortunately, because the song, in all it's Epic'ness is just under 10 minutes long, I've decided to break the song down into 3 parts.

I - Meatloaf and the Thunderdome

II - Meatloaf goes James Dean on a Lost Highway

III- Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell!

And without further adieu:

Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling
Way down in the valley tonight
There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye
And a blade shining oh so bright
There's evil in the air and theres thunder in the sky
And a killers on the bloodshot streets
And down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising
Oh I swear I saw a young boy
Down in the gutter
He was starting to foam in the heat

Somehow, Meatloaf is trying to Escape from L.A. or is in the Thunderdome. This is a no holds society that will cut your tongue out for looking at someone the wrong way. Consequently, this is also the type of society that will let their children, ravaged by rabies, suffer until death in a ditch. I'd like to also point out that this is the type of society where a fat cat like Meatloaf is too "good" to give some gutter-begotten child a vaccination.

Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right
And wherever you are and wherever you go
Theres always gonna be some light
But I gotta get out
I gotta break it out now
Before the final crack of dawn
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When its over you know
Well both be so alone

Is it just me, or is Meatloaf trying to secure booty in like, every one of his songs? Look, Meatloaf: It's 1977. The second world war has been over for like, ever - you're not going to get some broad to give you a go-away gift of her "lady garden" just because you'll be outta there in the morning. Hell, if she has any sense at all, she'll kick you in the chode for not taking her along with you! I'm sure that hog has room enough for two, Meatloaf. Why you gotta be like that?

Like a bat out of hell
Ill be gone when the morning comes
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell Ill be gone gone gone
Like a bat out of hell Ill be gone when the morning comes
When the day is done
And the sun goes down
And the moonlights shining through
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven
Ill come crawling on back to you

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what we call the "inner monologue". See how the male's preemptive "flight" instinct kicks into high gear just moments before mating. But of course the burlier of the males generally return after flight, tails between their legs, begging for reentry into the pack from the savvier heads of household: The Female Meatloafs.

Welcome to the Jungle

This might come across as contradictory, especially in light of my article on Personal Grooming. In the article, I talked about women who 'groomed' their lady-bits in an effort to succumb to society's standards for hairless women. But I need to point out that I also stated that I am such a groomer. Of course I am! I'm not impervious to the charms and smooth-talking let downs of the media! Infact, I am -such- a groomer, that not only to I shave creative patterns into my crotchal area, I go the extra step and concur the jungle as well.

Into the thicket.

Well, what! Yeah, women don't talk about it. Do you think our assholes are -naturally- pre-pubescent? Pfft, media entrapment again! Nah, nah, nah... folks, listen up: Your asshole, it's hairy. You might not think your asshole is hairy, but I assure you, it is. Not only that, I can guarantee that if you've never shaved your asshole before, you will be left dumbstruck by exactly how hairy it is. Nothing dulls a razor like shaving your backside for the first time, and really, if you're shaving the rest, why skimp on the rump?

What people don't realise in terms of personal grooming is that it's an all or nothing endeavour. Why work the front if you're not going to bother with the back? That's where the real danger is. Sure, the front is esthetically pleasing, but the bottom is the buffer zone. "More cushion for the pushin'"?

No thank you!
I don't know when in history it was so cold that we needed fuzz to shield our buttholes from the elements, but enough is enough. Men even! LISTEN UP! Your bung hole is a cornucopia of erogenous zones. You don't know this, because no woman alive would want to stray too far into the fire swamp for fear of losing a limb in the wake of her escape. All of us, men and women alike, should just cut the crap* and shave the hair out of our asses. It's not difficult, and I can assure you that once you do, you'll have a new lease on life. The economy? Who cares? Your asshole is shaved now! World hunger? Fuck it! You are free and clear! Global warming, gas prices, war on terror - doesn't matter when you've shaved your butthole!

"Fuck you, Cancer! We shaved our assholes!"

A thumbs up is not only a sign of a clean butthole, it's a sign of freedom. Do your loved ones AND yourself a favour, and take the leap from front to back.

Can YOU give a thumbs up?

*Pun INTENDED

Good enough to eat...or stick your dick in.

So earlier today I was flipping through some Avon catalogues, looking at alot of handy shit I'll probably buy and never use and while I was browsing the plethora of different merchandise I noticed some cocoa mugs featuring the M&M characters, Green, Blue, and Red. And my, if they weren't looking especially tantalising this afternoon... The full m&m lips, curled into a tiny smirk, their big full bedroom eyes, sweet candy coating, strong gloved hands...

Wait a minute... do I want to fuck these M&M's?!

Goooooddamnit, they've done it again! Marketing geniuses trying to use sex to sell something...AND IT'S WORKING!! Only now I don't want to eat these candies, I want to bone them.

Take the Green M&M for example:

Succubus
Look at her, in her emerald green coating, and her strong yet tender people arms... those bedrooms eyes just screaming for you to "Come hither." and those full, sensuous lips you just want to wrap around your...

VILE WENCH!

Bitch wants to mate with you, and then bite your head off and lay her mini m&m eggs in your neck hole! The saucy minx knows you want her and knows you'd probably push your Nana under a trolley just to get.with.that.

And it's not even like they're trying to casually integrate an air of sensuality into the candy ads - they're blatantly putting her out there for your mouth to start salivating over and your dick to start air punching for.

"Miss Green Working the Polls"

I'm not particularly bothered by this issue. Truth be told, I'd have sex with less, but the point here is that you don't even see it coming. Sexy Candy is pretty unheard of, so until it really sinks in, you're not entirely sure why these little chocolate niblets turn you on or why their seductive candy pouts fill your purity holes with shame.

This recent development in the pressures put on confections to be seductive is really just a testament to the times we live in. There was a time when candy wasn't expected to put out. Remember The California Raisins?

Trying to forget...
The creation of the California Raisins was a direct result of trying everything but dancing/singing raisins blues musicians to sell their product. The idea was such a success that is resulted in 2 California Raisins TV specials, an album, and a cartoon series. Granted, raisins aren't technically candy, but you can bet your sweet buttons they never DARED to use sex to sell raisins - probably a direct result of animated raisins looking less like sexy vixens and more like rotted old men.

Nature's waste candy
I don't think there's any shame with wanting to make love to an m&m. Hell, they're 2 parts human anyways! And you can't tell me like the green one doesn't know what she's doing... oh, she knows... Besides, it's not like they're Skittles or Gob Stoppers or anything... m&m candies are clearly some sort of result of chocolate fused with swimsuit model DNA. The M&M candy boasts the ability to "Melt in your mouth, and not in your hand." and I think that's a fair interpretation of what most people want to have happen with Miss Green.

I'd like to taste her rainbow...

"I am John's colon."

Guhhh... okay. You know what? I can't keep my mouth shut about this any longer. I'm sorry, okay - this is probably going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him, or anyone else for that matter, but FUCK JOHN MALCOVICH!

Yeah, there, I said it. F-Malcovich!

"Say whaaaat?"
I wish I could get over this, I want to get over this, but the problem is that no matter what, I will always be rubbed the wrong way by this issue.

"Woah, slow the trolley - what issue?"

I guess I should explain.

The man, *sigh*, the man just won't do accents.

THERE! OKAY? HE'S AN ACTOR THAT DOESN'T DO ACCENTS!!!

It's not even that he's just another Hollywood knock-off being put in a period film based out of the UK, and he's failing to make his cockney stick out... it's the the man is considered an actOR. Esteemed in his field! AND HE DOESN'T PUT ON A FUCKING ACCENT FOR ANYTHING!

What a douche bag.
Okay, calm down, that's totally unfair of me. He did manage to shit out a Russian accent for Rounders as Teddy KGB, probably because he didn't want real KGB taking his children and teaching them the ways of communist Russia where accent speaks you. But alas, never bothered to ex-lax his way through In, Tranzit where he plays Pavlov, a soviet general, or something equally as political.
And although he didn't bother to put on a French accent when playing a mutha'flippin Musketeer in Man in the Iron Mask, or Dauphin in The Messenger, he did manage to find the strength to summon up his best Franco to play Pascal Sauvage: The Greedy Frenchman in Johnny English starring Rowan Atkinson... talk about priorities. Oh, and he did film the TV miniseries of Les Miserables in complete French... why? Because in real life, HE'S FUCKING FLUENT.

And I want to just say something: I get that it's difficult for thespians to force themselves to physically act their ways out of wet paper bags... so much so, that alot of times, they'll just substitute a British accent for whatever European country their character originates from. But at least they're -trying-.

"Where am I?"
The man just doesn't even try... HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT!!! Case and point: Mary Reilly
The story is about a servant of Dr. Henry Jekyll. The story of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde is set in England and the original novel was written by a Scotsman. Naturally, the characters are one or the other. Dr.Jekyll is British. Mary Reilly is Irish/Scottish but either way, has a brogue...Julia Roberts, isn't known for her accents, but by'golly she tried! She gave it all she had while definitely NOT relying on her good looks for this roll to get her through the shitacular brogue. But nooooooo! John Malcovich, actOR extraORdinaire didn't even bother with the BRITISH accent his CHARACTER has!

Can you believe she's not known for her accents?
German accent in Klimt? Fuck that noise. That Italian one where he doesn't even SPEAK EVER! And wtf was he trying to do in Beowulf ? Isn't he like, a Viking, or a Saxon in that film? Hell, even Angelina Jolie put on an accent for that film! Yeah, she sounded Transylvanian, but lets be honest, folks: the woman does NOT need to put on an accent...

Am I right, people?
And look, I don't want to hear a lick about his costars and how THEY don't have accents. 9 times out of 10, they all have some kind of bullshit accent that I'm pretty sure they just randomly pulled out of a hat, but that's not the point. The ones without accents? Yeah, they're enablers, and no better than Malcovich (I'm lookin' at you, Glen Close!). But the fact still remains, that John Don't Care None Malcovich is a phony. A Big. Fat. PHONY!!

Enabler.
*huff* I think none of this would be so hard if I didn't funkin' LOVE this man as an actor. Homo-erotic voice aside, the man's got some skillz, and I love him. Just as long as you put the man in a roll where he doesn't have to exasperate himself with the prospect of learning accents, he'll do fine. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? Fabulous. Of Mice and Men? To die for - no one goes retard differently abled like John Malcovich. Con Fucking Air? Self-explanatory. Hell, he was even great in Being John Malcovich.

My beef is just this: Acting is an art. Unfortunately there are alot of people who get by on things other than talent, but John Malkovich isn't one of those people! I for one, want to see him succeed. It may just be a case of him having no real affinity for accents, but he could, in theory, spend some of his millions and hire a dialect coach.
Frankly, he'd still be doing quite well without my support and admiration. But the fact is John, that trophy case ain't gonna fill itself on nominations. Maybe you could it it a favor by learning some accents and give your gag reflex a rest, m'kay?

Technicolored Pachyderms are really too much for me...

Over this past weekend, my son decided to indulge in some classic Disney animation and had his Grandmother put on Disney's Dumbo, despite my protests.
It's not the easiest film for a mother to watch with her son. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, essentially Mama Elephant gets branded as 'mad' for trying to keep her baby from being humiliated by children. If you're a weeper like I am, the rest of the story doesn't matter. So what if baby defies the laws of physics by learning to fly with his gigantic ears...the point is that that Ms.Jumbo gets her baby taken away and it's heart wrenching.


Can't even handle this shit

With mama locked up, baby Jumbo "Dumbo" Jumbo Jr. (yes, that's -actually- his name) gets into all kinds of trouble with his good-for-nothing mentor Timothy Q. Mouse.

After taking him to see his caged mother, the mouse decides to cure the little elephant's hiccups with some water, which unbeknownst to him has been laced with clown champagne.

To cheer Dumbo up, Timothy takes him to visit his mother. On the way back Dumbo cries and then starts to hiccup so Timothy decides to take him for a drink of water from a bucket which, unknown to him, has accidentally had a bottle of champagne knocked into it. As a result, Dumbo and Timothy both become drunk and see hallucinations of pink elephants.(...)

Your brain on clown champagne

That's right folks: baby is drunk and hallucinating. Way to go there, Jiminy Timothy. This is how you get acid flashbacks. There's no way... NO WAY this elephant was hallucinating after ingesting some watered down carnival hooch. I'd like to suggest that perhaps it wasn't bubbly wine the pachyderm was drinking but rather a gallon of PCP.

Exhibit A:





And just like a bad Salvia trip, it's over. Either this circus is haunted, or maybe those clowns are just part of Operation Midnight Climax.
Elephants have been known to get sloshed - it's become such a problem that it's been a near and dear issue in the hearts of socialites everywhere. But side effects of their boozing generally range from drunk driving to death...and never hallucinations.

Perhaps the scene was put in as a tribute to prohibition; just a swift reminder of why they changed the legal drinking age from newborn to Irish back in the '30s. Or perhaps it was just as a way to segue into meeting the characters that would shape our hero into the flying elephant he is today.

Meet Jim Crow:

Be done seen 'bout everything when he seen an elephant fly...

Walt Disney was always an equal opportunist and fought for abolishing segregation amongst coloured and non-coloured persons of the United States for most of his life.

Art imitating life

Really, Dumbo is a fabulous film full of healthy morals and crisp humanism. It teaches children to reach for the stars and grab their dreams by the pony-tails and just ftheshitoutofit make it feel like a woman by doing everything that's absolutely necessary in reaching their goal. It teaches children that as long as mommy's not around, it's okay for Aryan little elephants to trust in the kindness of strangers, no matter what their skin colour social class. And finally, it teaches children that sometimes, you might have to do things that you find degrading and humiliating, but in the end, it will pay for mama's bail and that Clown Crystale.

"You want to be a star, don't you?"

Triple Threat, er, I mean... Sensation!!

Congratulations to Triple Threat Sensation and long time friend Leah Cogan for winning CBC's Triple Sensation!

The shows premise was about finding Canada's next big "triple sensation" which, in the theatre world, is someone who can act, dance, and sing. All things that describe Leah.

Between my sobs of joy and my hoping around upon watching her win the competition, I was able to make out that she won the $150,000 Middlefield Scholarship to any institution of her choice. Not to mention the publicity from being on the show.

I am so pleased for Leah and undoubtedly proud - Congratulations, you've earned it!

You can watch past episodes on the Triple Sensation Website.

Also, please take a minute to check out a clip from Leah's final performance.

Woaaaaah... that's good satire!

I'm not usually a 'webcomic' kind of person...and to be honest, unless there's pop culture references, I don't usually get it. But all day today I've been reading Virus Comix and I happened across this comic about our beloved Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.

I really feel that we as Canadians are blessed to have such a thoughtful, environmentally friendly, dashing PM fighting for our societal equity as well as for the best interest of our Homeland.

To read the rest of the comic, please click HERE!

The Toaster Project

I found a link to this gem on Neatorama.

Art Student Thomas Thwaites from the UK has embarked on a project to build a toaster...from scratch.

This means procuring all elements for said toaster, and finding ways to put it all together.

You can watch his progress on his website, The Toaster Project. It's really fascinating, and I'm eager to see the end result!!

NOTE: Best clip is of him smelting iron ore in the microwave.

Step 2, Attempt 2: Smelting Iron Ore in a Microwave from Thomas Thwaites on Vimeo.