Beef of the Day

I don't know why all of a sudden, Canadians can't seem to cope with Winter.

Today I spent at least 45 minutes on a stretch of road that should only take me 5-10 minutes to travel down, and then was going 60-80 km/h on a 400-class highway for another half hour; a trip that would normally take 15 minutes.

Now, while I was stuck and mind-melting traffic, I got to thinking:

Why are Canadians all of a sudden so afraid of winter?

I mean, honestly: we ARE winter. Our middle name is "Winter".

Cana-fuckin'-winter-da

But now a few lousy motorists can't cope with the roads?! Honestly - we got all of -1cm of fucking snow today, and we were traveling 65km AT BEST down a stretch of highway where the drivers are easily going 120-140 clicks!

The roads weren't even greasy! They weren't slick, or slippery, or icy, or dicey, or even mother-fucking treacherous or any other relative adjective! There was a bit of SNOW. That's it!

Now: I've boiled it down to 2 types of Canadian drivers. These are the drivers that are the reason why traffic is the way it is.

Allow me to elaborate:

Mofo 1: Mofo 1 is the crazy-ass motherfucker that neglects to realize that traffic ain't moving, and decides it might be 'OK' to fucking-weave in and out of traffic in his fucking, pimped-out, 1995 Honda Civic. You know the one. Its the one with the under-glow, the RIDICULOUS spoiler, and his ghetto sound system that is clearly the reason his rear window is covered with a garbage bad and duct tape. Mofo 1 is the reason traffic is slow because he's the one causing the fender benders and 10 car pile ups in the herald of our Great Canadian Winter.

Mofo 2: Mofo 2 is the very reason there is grid-lock. Mofo 2 is the person in the front of traffic. I'm sure you've all sat there, 53 minutes into your normally 12 minute commute thinking: "Who the fuck is slowing this traffic down?!" Well my friends, no need to ponder anymore: It be Mofo 2. Mofo 2 is the white-knuckled, straight-backed, neurotic fucking Leader of the Pack 'effing slowing down YOUR commute. This the person who, although has lived through the great Ice-wind-sleet-Apocalyptic snow storm of 1953 and therefore ushers in the winter with a seasonal development of some Grade A anxiety disorder.

So friends, please take heed on the roads. Reclaim the Canadian Winter. Go out there, parkas a'wearin', shovels a'blairin' and you call forth your inner Spirit Animal and you go out there and anal rape the Winter for all it's worth!