"I am John's colon."
Guhhh... okay. You know what? I can't keep my mouth shut about this any longer. I'm sorry, okay - this is probably going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him, or anyone else for that matter, but FUCK JOHN MALCOVICH!
Yeah, there, I said it. F-Malcovich!
"Say whaaaat?"
I wish I could get over this, I want to get over this, but the problem is that no matter what, I will always be rubbed the wrong way by this issue.
"Woah, slow the trolley - what issue?"
I guess I should explain.
The man, *sigh*, the man just won't do accents.
THERE! OKAY? HE'S AN ACTOR THAT DOESN'T DO ACCENTS!!!
It's not even that he's just another Hollywood knock-off being put in a period film based out of the UK, and he's failing to make his cockney stick out... it's the the man is considered an actOR. Esteemed in his field! AND HE DOESN'T PUT ON A FUCKING ACCENT FOR ANYTHING!
What a douche bag.
Okay, calm down, that's totally unfair of me. He did manage to shit out a Russian accent for Rounders as Teddy KGB, probably because he didn't want real KGB taking his children and teaching them the ways of communist Russia where accent speaks you. But alas, never bothered to ex-lax his way through In, Tranzit where he plays Pavlov, a soviet general, or something equally as political.
And although he didn't bother to put on a French accent when playing a mutha'flippin Musketeer in Man in the Iron Mask, or Dauphin in The Messenger, he did manage to find the strength to summon up his best Franco to play Pascal Sauvage: The Greedy Frenchman in Johnny English starring Rowan Atkinson... talk about priorities. Oh, and he did film the TV miniseries of Les Miserables in complete French... why? Because in real life, HE'S FUCKING FLUENT.
And I want to just say something: I get that it's difficult for thespians to force themselves to physically act their ways out of wet paper bags... so much so, that alot of times, they'll just substitute a British accent for whatever European country their character originates from. But at least they're -trying-.
"Where am I?"
The man just doesn't even try... HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT!!! Case and point: Mary Reilly
The story is about a servant of Dr. Henry Jekyll. The story of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde is set in England and the original novel was written by a Scotsman. Naturally, the characters are one or the other. Dr.Jekyll is British. Mary Reilly is Irish/Scottish but either way, has a brogue...Julia Roberts, isn't known for her accents, but by'golly she tried! She gave it all she had while definitely NOT relying on her good looks for this roll to get her through the shitacular brogue. But nooooooo! John Malcovich, actOR extraORdinaire didn't even bother with the BRITISH accent his CHARACTER has!
Can you believe she's not known for her accents?
German accent in Klimt? Fuck that noise. That Italian one where he doesn't even SPEAK EVER! And wtf was he trying to do in Beowulf ? Isn't he like, a Viking, or a Saxon in that film? Hell, even Angelina Jolie put on an accent for that film! Yeah, she sounded Transylvanian, but lets be honest, folks: the woman does NOT need to put on an accent...
Am I right, people?
And look, I don't want to hear a lick about his costars and how THEY don't have accents. 9 times out of 10, they all have some kind of bullshit accent that I'm pretty sure they just randomly pulled out of a hat, but that's not the point. The ones without accents? Yeah, they're enablers, and no better than Malcovich (I'm lookin' at you, Glen Close!). But the fact still remains, that John Don't Care None Malcovich is a phony. A Big. Fat. PHONY!!
Enabler.
*huff* I think none of this would be so hard if I didn't funkin' LOVE this man as an actor. Homo-erotic voice aside, the man's got some skillz, and I love him. Just as long as you put the man in a roll where he doesn't have to exasperate himself with the prospect of learning accents, he'll do fine. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? Fabulous. Of Mice and Men? To die for - no one goesretard differently abled like John Malcovich. Con Fucking Air? Self-explanatory. Hell, he was even great in Being John Malcovich.
My beef is just this: Acting is an art. Unfortunately there are alot of people who get by on things other than talent, but John Malkovich isn't one of those people! I for one, want to see him succeed. It may just be a case of him having no real affinity for accents, but he could, in theory, spend some of his millions and hire a dialect coach.
Frankly, he'd still be doing quite well without my support and admiration. But the fact is John, that trophy case ain't gonna fill itself on nominations. Maybe you could it it a favor by learning some accents and give your gag reflex a rest, m'kay?
Yeah, there, I said it. F-Malcovich!
I wish I could get over this, I want to get over this, but the problem is that no matter what, I will always be rubbed the wrong way by this issue.
"Woah, slow the trolley - what issue?"
I guess I should explain.
The man, *sigh*, the man just won't do accents.
THERE! OKAY? HE'S AN ACTOR THAT DOESN'T DO ACCENTS!!!
It's not even that he's just another Hollywood knock-off being put in a period film based out of the UK, and he's failing to make his cockney stick out... it's the the man is considered an actOR. Esteemed in his field! AND HE DOESN'T PUT ON A FUCKING ACCENT FOR ANYTHING!
Okay, calm down, that's totally unfair of me. He did manage to shit out a Russian accent for Rounders as Teddy KGB, probably because he didn't want real KGB taking his children and teaching them the ways of communist Russia where accent speaks you. But alas, never bothered to ex-lax his way through In, Tranzit where he plays Pavlov, a soviet general, or something equally as political.
And although he didn't bother to put on a French accent when playing a mutha'flippin Musketeer in Man in the Iron Mask, or Dauphin in The Messenger, he did manage to find the strength to summon up his best Franco to play Pascal Sauvage: The Greedy Frenchman in Johnny English starring Rowan Atkinson... talk about priorities. Oh, and he did film the TV miniseries of Les Miserables in complete French... why? Because in real life, HE'S FUCKING FLUENT.
And I want to just say something: I get that it's difficult for thespians to force themselves to physically act their ways out of wet paper bags... so much so, that alot of times, they'll just substitute a British accent for whatever European country their character originates from. But at least they're -trying-.
The man just doesn't even try... HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT!!! Case and point: Mary Reilly
The story is about a servant of Dr. Henry Jekyll. The story of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde is set in England and the original novel was written by a Scotsman. Naturally, the characters are one or the other. Dr.Jekyll is British. Mary Reilly is Irish/Scottish but either way, has a brogue...Julia Roberts, isn't known for her accents, but by'golly she tried! She gave it all she had while definitely NOT relying on her good looks for this roll to get her through the shitacular brogue. But nooooooo! John Malcovich, actOR extraORdinaire didn't even bother with the BRITISH accent his CHARACTER has!
German accent in Klimt? Fuck that noise. That Italian one where he doesn't even SPEAK EVER! And wtf was he trying to do in Beowulf ? Isn't he like, a Viking, or a Saxon in that film? Hell, even Angelina Jolie put on an accent for that film! Yeah, she sounded Transylvanian, but lets be honest, folks: the woman does NOT need to put on an accent...
And look, I don't want to hear a lick about his costars and how THEY don't have accents. 9 times out of 10, they all have some kind of bullshit accent that I'm pretty sure they just randomly pulled out of a hat, but that's not the point. The ones without accents? Yeah, they're enablers, and no better than Malcovich (I'm lookin' at you, Glen Close!). But the fact still remains, that John Don't Care None Malcovich is a phony. A Big. Fat. PHONY!!
*huff* I think none of this would be so hard if I didn't funkin' LOVE this man as an actor. Homo-erotic voice aside, the man's got some skillz, and I love him. Just as long as you put the man in a roll where he doesn't have to exasperate himself with the prospect of learning accents, he'll do fine. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? Fabulous. Of Mice and Men? To die for - no one goes
My beef is just this: Acting is an art. Unfortunately there are alot of people who get by on things other than talent, but John Malkovich isn't one of those people! I for one, want to see him succeed. It may just be a case of him having no real affinity for accents, but he could, in theory, spend some of his millions and hire a dialect coach.
Frankly, he'd still be doing quite well without my support and admiration. But the fact is John, that trophy case ain't gonna fill itself on nominations. Maybe you could it it a favor by learning some accents and give your gag reflex a rest, m'kay?
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