The Life and Times of Ren... and then some

The Yuletide season is upon us. For the better prepared portion of our community, you've finished your x-mas shopping. For the bulk of my readers, you probably haven't even begun. For most people, x-mas shopping involves wracking your brain for -the- gift that will compliment your loved ones. For others, a last minute dash to the dollar store will suffice. Then there are the people that shop for their pets. These are not only the people that buy for their pets, but also give from their pets as well. From: Mittenz Major corporations make millions off of these chumps pet owners by milking them for everything their worth. From holiday themed pet toys, to pictures for your best friends with Santa Claws (heh heh) Today I received an e-flyer from PetSmart about some handy-dandy last minute gift ideas for my pets. I am the disgruntled owner of two disgusting cats. Regardless of the fact that they are ungrateful bastards, I wouldn't buy them presents strictly on the principle t...

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Okay, so what we learnt in Pt.I of Bat Out of Hell, is that Meatloaf, in another valiant effort to secure some booty, is planning a dine and dash as soon as Princess passes out from the sheer AWESOME that is Meatloaf's lovemaking. That said, he's also currently living in what can only be described as the Thunderdome, and is hitting the trail in search of greener pastures. In part II of Bat Out of Hell, we will be examining his journey to this Utopia he is so desperate to reach. You better be asleep at the crack of dawn, because he's outta here ... Bat Out of Hell - Pt.II Meatloaf goes 'James Dean' on a Lost Highway I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram On a silver black phantom bike When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry And we're all about to see the light Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole Everything is stunted and lost And nothing really rocks And nothing really rolls And nothings ever worth the cost Is it just me, or does this e...

So, despite my sick lusting after one Marvin Lee Aday , I can't help but pursue action against the lyrics to Bat Out of Hell . Now, before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record that Bat Out of Hell is my favourite Meatloaf song of all time, but it doesn't mean that the song itself isn't ridiculous. Unfortunately, because the song, in all it's Epic'ness is just under 10 minutes long, I've decided to break the song down into 3 parts. I - Meatloaf and the Thunderdome II - Meatloaf goes James Dean on a Lost Highway III- Meatloaf -IS- the Bat Out of Hell! And without further adieu: Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling Way down in the valley tonight There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye And a blade shining oh so bright There's evil in the air and theres thunder in the sky And a killers on the bloodshot streets And down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising Oh I swear I saw a young boy ...

This might come across as contradictory, especially in light of my article on Personal Grooming. In the article, I talked about women who 'groomed' their lady-bits in an effort to succumb to society's standards for hairless women. But I need to point out that I also stated that I am such a groomer. Of course I am! I'm not impervious to the charms and smooth-talking let downs of the media ! Infact, I am -such- a groomer, that not only to I shave creative patterns into my crotchal area, I go the extra step and concur the jungle as well. Into the thicket. Well, what! Yeah, women don't talk about it. Do you think our assholes are -naturally- pre-pubescent? Pfft, media entrapment again! Nah, nah, nah... folks, listen up: Your asshole, it's hairy. You might not think your asshole is hairy, but I assure you, it is. Not only that, I can guarantee that if you've never shaved your asshole before, you will be left dumbstruck by exactly how hairy it is. Nothing dul...

So earlier today I was flipping through some Avon catalogues, looking at alot of handy shit I'll probably buy and never use and while I was browsing the plethora of different merchandise I noticed some cocoa mugs featuring the M&M characters, Green, Blue , and Red. And my, if they weren't looking especially tantalising this afternoon... The full m&m lips, curled into a tiny smirk, their big full bedroom eyes, sweet candy coating, strong gloved hands... Wait a minute... do I want to fuck these M&M's?! Goooooddamnit, they've done it again! Marketing geniuses trying to use sex to sell something...AND IT'S WORKING!! Only now I don't want to eat these candies, I want to bone them. Take the Green M&M for example: Succubus Look at her, in her emerald green coating, and her strong yet tender people arms... those bedrooms eyes just screaming for you to "Come hither." and those full, sensuous lips you just want to wrap around your... VILE WE...

Guhhh... okay. You know what? I can't keep my mouth shut about this any longer. I'm sorry, okay - this is probably going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him, or anyone else for that matter, but FUCK JOHN MALCOVICH! Yeah, there, I said it. F-Malcovich! "Say whaaaat?" I wish I could get over this, I want to get over this, but the problem is that no matter what, I will always be rubbed the wrong way by this issue. "Woah, slow the trolley - what issue?" I guess I should explain. The man, *sigh* , the man just won't do accents. THERE! OKAY? HE'S AN ACTOR THAT DOESN'T DO ACCENTS!!! It's not even that he's just another Hollywood knock-off being put in a period film based out of the UK, and he's failing to make his cockney stick out... it's the the man is considered an actOR. Esteemed in his field! AND HE DOESN'T PUT ON A FUCKING ACCENT FOR ANYTHING! What a douche bag. Okay, calm down, that's totally unfair of me. H...